Sunday, August 19, 2012

The Story of My Life

"He talked a lot about the past and I gathered that he wanted to recover something, some idea of himself perhaps, that had gone into loving daisy. His life had been confused and disordered since then, but if he could once return to a certain starting place and go over it all slowly he could find out what that thing was....

Thirty - the promise if a decade of lonliness, a thinnig lists of single[s] to know...Be wise never to carry well-forgotten dreams from age to age...

Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter- tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms further... And one fine morning---
Sober best on, board against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."

The Great Gatsby p117

.... this excerpt is the story of my life

What do I want to recover?
Why do I go back so often?
These letters, photos, memoirs...
.... it does confuse and make me feel disordered when I start to go back in time. I feel like I lost part of myself along the way. I was such a driven young woman. I was out to conquer the world. Anything I set my mind to I achieved...and I do mean anything...and then ... what happened? Was it that I never had the potential? Is it that I got married too young and then divorced too late? Is it because I'm not smart enough?

I prided myself on being so driven, only to look at myself in the mirror now and be ashamed of who I am. What happened to me? Could I perhaps find the answer by going back to those early days, when something could have happened that planted a seed. Is this the fruition of that seed...where I am today? Today... a nothing....a 30 something who amounted to nothing...

I sit at a desk all day long and write emails, schedule meetings and plan travel... while other bright young women, pass me by. While I meet several successful, career women just a few years older, I plan the life of someone successful, who isn't me.

But I need to move on....not go backwards in time. I can change the future. I can't change the past. And therefore, I am going to learn to be wise, and not carry "well-forgotten dreams from age to age". I'm going to take advantage of the past for good. I'm going to use it to my advantage. God is in control but he's given me freedom, and I'm going to use that to write another story...The story of my life.