Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Living Together

What do you do when you're in your 30s, you're seriously dating someone, you're having sleep overs (and obviously sleeping together)...and then the question comes we live together. Well, let's add to the equation that we are somewhat conservative in our our Christian beliefs, but obviously not enough to warrant abstinence. This has been a huge issue in our dating relationship and I have gone back and forth with it. Some days I felt it was ok, and others I was far too scared of what people would think. I was scared of what my Christian friends would think. I was scared of what people at church would think. I was scared of what his parents would think. And then I realized, that isn't a reason not to do it, because then I'm right back where I was before when I was living what I felt was a lie and trying to be someone I knew I was not, but who others wanted me to be. In Christ, I believe I am, but I do not believe that I am a "sinner" because I want to live with my boyfriend.
The verdict...we would not live together before we were married...that is, until, of course, the day my roommate decided she was kicking me out because her boyfriend was moving in. Go figure! And they wanted the chance to be alone and get used to each other without Three's Company, as it would be more like Three's A Crowd.
Ok, this was stressful, considering that we had JUST literally decided we would NOT live together. And even though my boyfriend and I talked about getting married, there was no ring yet on my finger, and I was going to have to move with some stranger, or live in a hole-in-the-wall by myself, until the day I got married. After living in a big townhouse for two years, this was utterly depressing. And I felt it wasn't fair my boyfriend lives in a nice, big townhouse he OWNS, while I was going to have to keep hopping around from place to place until we got married.
If this wasn't stressful enough, next came the new job. Great job, my dream job, but with far less, and I mean FAR, FAR LESS pay than what I was making before. We're talking half the salary I was making before. Who can live like that in Los Angeles. Definitely not a divorced, 30-year-old with huge debt and several credit card bills to pay (this is a very sensitive subject for me, and difficult to share here but I did). So then came the question, how am I to live if I take this new job. Should I turn it down so I could afford to pay the bills? Could I find someplace to live RENT FREE? Was that possible? I think I was better off than this when I graduated college. YIKES.
Next thing you know, I'm engaged. To my surprise, this opened up the talks again of living together again. But the same issues came up as before...what would people think? What does God think? What are his conservative Lutheran parents going to think? 
I am going to stop right there, because that is literally where we stopped, for here is the thing. I'll be honest. We're two adults in our 30's. So together, as adults, we came to our conclusion. 
We want to get married and spend the rest of our lives together. Even though I was taking a huge pay cut, we both know the benefits this job will bring, the sky is the limit, unlike the ceiling of my last job. Also, I have my finances sorted out and I have everything under control. I've been in a debt management program, I have no new debt, I'm paying things off, BUT, if I had to find a new place to live, I would have to start using a credit card again to afford to live. We decided this did not make sense, not if we wanted to go into a new marriage on the right track. I am not about to make the same mistakes again as I did in my young, "Christian" marriage. So the conclusion is, we are going to live together. I will be rent free, and I can continue to pay off my debt and we can save money towards our wedding so we do not have to put anything on credit card. That is smart, financial planning. And to me that is Godly.
Now Christians can say, "God will provide, trust Him!" Yeah, I am trusting Him. I am trusting Him that He gave me a great man who loves me and who I am going to spend the rest of my life with and that our marriage is going to be strong, and what will help with that is living with this man before we get married while we continue to go to pre-marital courses, save money, and learn the steps NOW towards a very, happy, long-lasting marriage.
So last week the move was upon me (not quite the move-in, just the move of all my stuff). And I started to freak out and go into panic mode. Losing my independence again. Engaged, moving in together, we might as well be getting married on my move-in day because that basically begins us spending the rest of our lives together. Whoa! Huge deal for a divorcee, and someone who doesn't take the divorce lightly, but who desires nothing more than a happy, healthy, everlasting marriage. I started to think,  "As much as I love him, I want to take this one day at a time. Yes, this begins the rest of our lives together but we still can take time in this engagement. We can meet with our financial planner. We can take our time planning this wedding. This is just the next step. Slow down. Breathe. It's ok."
As I prepared everything for my move, as I put treasured memories in storage, as my wonderful darling put his things in storage to make room for me, as he opened up a side of his WALK-IN closet for me, as he cleared out drawer space for me, we both were nervous but hopeful and excited. 
Now moving day has come and gone. It was perfect. Easy. Piece of cake. My stuff fit in like the finishing piece of a puzzle. The place looks great. It looks like home. Cozy. Warm. Inviting.
And in just two days, I move myself and my cat in. My stuff is all there, but not me yet. It took a lot of prayer and planning and discussion to get to this moment. To some people this isn't that big of a deal, to others...IT IS. It is so looked down upon in Christian circles, but we are still taking this very seriously, even praying about it, and know that this decision is as significant as the decision to get married. For us, this means we are committed for life. I love him. I do. And he loves me. I am beyond elated that in two days, the man of my dreams and I will together.

Where Did the Other Blogger Go?

New job. Newly engaged. Moving Out. Moving In. Already an advancement and new title at the new job. Good thing I wasn't carrying this blog myself or it would be lifeless. Instead, my partner has been moving this machine and doing a fantastic job at breathing such life into it. Her stories are ones we do not want to miss. She is pouring out her heart and soul to us and I find myself crying at times and feeling closer to her through reading these blogs than I ever have in our 13 years of friendship.
Anyway, this blog is just to say I hope I can make a comeback here and start blogging again. I sure have been journaling but haven't had the time at work to blog and then when I get home, I'm reading scripts for work, or was packing, or at some event, or at the gym, so I never found time to log on at night.
But I have work under control now and if anything I can at least take 10 minutes out of my day to share. I don't know how interesting my life is in comparison to my partner's but I'm definitely another character in our story.
I hope you can welcome me back.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Cheers to Me!

In a whirlwind of 6 days I put it out there to the Universe (and my good friend/mentor Lisa) that I was ready to get back into the workforce and now I find myself with a JOB! A real paying legitimate job.....with a desk, a title, AND perks! I have been out of the market for 5.5 years and in my first interview I nail it and get hired on the spot and start working the same day! I am so FUCKING stoked right now. I am beyond words excited. Jittery and full of excitement for what this opportunity holds! I believe, no in fact I KNOW, that this is what I needed. This has been the missing piece for me.

It's difficult when you find yourself with no purpose and no direction. When you feel like you are caught in the whirlpool of sameness. Now I can begin to see my way out. I have an outlet that is ALL MINE, not to be shared with children or husband. My attention can be focused on something outside of my ROLES at home. This I love. This I crave. This I need. This I will never let go of.

What does the future hold, I am not sure? Will this turn out to be a terrible fit and one I regret in a few months, maybe? Will it turn into something more that catapults me to a full time career, maybe? But in this moment I embracing it and holding onto the good feeling as long as it lasts. (Holding onto my wine too!)

So thank you to all of you (5 readers) for your support. I am sure I will have many interesting stories to tell about my experiences!

CHEERS to fucking me,

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Dress Up

I think that I missed out on enjoying dress up as a kid, because these days I am LOVING it! It could be due to the fact that I mostly find myself in my "mom gear" (consisting of jeans, target t-shirt, hair in a pony, and flip flops). In my mom gear I am running around the OC doing errands to get crap for the family...the usual boring stuff. Every week my grocery list has the same thing on it....blah, blah, blah. So when my husband mentioned we were invited to the WORLD premier of the new movie SALT, I squealed with joy! This meant new clothes that did NOT consist of the mom gear, it meant jewelry, it meant make-up and hair, it meant sexy dress, shoes....

So last week I hit the mall and tried on about 20 different dresses (that was depressing in itself). I know, some of you are thinking, big deal Annie you are a skinny Bitch, but LISTEN I got my issues too! Can you say back acne at 32 (depressing!), large rib cage where I break zippers, bow legs, and ski slope toes that look lame in all kinds of shoes? Anyhow, I found a cute little black number and jazzed it up with what I call a "rockstar belt." I busted out my own shoes and jewelry to save money (my husband has no idea how much money I saved him! Oh, and he doesn't know how much I spent, I only told him how much he saved! This is a great tactic by the way.)

I admit I was nervous rolling up to the premiere at the theater, but I was also excited. The security guys just let us walk right through without even asking for our tickets!!! (Good to note for next time I decide to crash one of these swanky Hollywood gigs.) Anyhow I felt like a million bucks. I knew I was no one in this scene, but it sure didn't matter when I felt confidant about myself!! Amazing what a little make-up, hair spray, and a new dress will do for a gal!!!! And now I commit myself to more dress up time if for nothing other than an ego boost!


Saturday, July 10, 2010


The past 5 days I have been preparing for a trip to a wedding in the bay area. I have been cleaning the house (5 bedrooms is no small task. This alone has taken every day chipping away at the endless dirt that accumulates daily), doing load after load of laundry, organizing all the children's shit so my family can find what they need, and prepping the kids for my absence. Each day we have talked about Mommy's trip and how she will be gone for 3 days. We have had to discuss "good behavior", "good choices", being kind, using manners, the appropriate place to go potty (not in our pants, jammies, or out on the lawn), how to help Auntie find everything she needs. I have also spent a few hours preparing the schedule for the kids, writing out a medical release form, copy my insurance card in case of emergency, printing the itinerary etc. Blah, blah, blah. I mean fuck, when did it become so hard to travel? The answer is simple, when I had KIDS, not just two, but three!!! One that is still in diapers and on a schedule! ARGH.

I can say at this point that it is exhausting! When do I pack or get myself prepped? Well, that would be between the hours of 9 to 12pm. Mixed with the frustration of preparing for this relatively quick trip away is a BIG dose of GUILT! Each time I have had to have the above conversation with the kids I feel so guilty about wanting a BREAK and wanting to LEAVE. I am consumed about getting have an adult interact with ONLY only worry about myself. I know, I know I do get to leave more than a lot of parents. So that is where the guilt kicks in. I guess I am not as strong as most moms seeing that I NEED a break so frequently. Or possibly I am still clinging to the past...the days of being kid-less? I am not sure. Here is what I do know, I honestly think I am a better mom when I get these times to leave. I can feel myself coming back up to the surface and am reminded that I am not lost in the piles of laundry and housework.

So cheers, I will see you when I get back from The City.


Thursday, July 8, 2010

The Deed

I don't want to do it. I know it is going to break my heart to actually do it. I have been waiting 14 years to do this and I can hardly believe I am going to try today. My stomach hurts and my mouth is dry. I think I may actually be shaking a little from the nerves. AHHHHH, why does this have to be so difficult?

Alright, I need to give myself a pep talk. "I can do this! I CAN do this! I CAN DO THIS! People do this kind of thing everyday. You are going to be okay, it is going to be okay. You're not going to loose anything, you are going to be fine. Just fine." Okay, here we go I am going to admit what I have to do TODAY......

I am going to clean my FFA, farm, cowgirl, vintage (whatever you want to call them) boots off of the 14-year-old cow shit, red dirt, and hay that is still all over them. I have carefully preserved these beauties for the last 14 years. I have moved them countless times always keeping them in their original 20-year-old box. Each time I open the lid, peer in, and see them lying there covered in that sweet smelling shit. But, alas the time has come to sweep the old away and make them shiny and new. I have considered keeping some remnants of the grime so I won't forget the good ol days, but it seems a little weird.

So I am off to clean....not the kitchen or the floors but 14 years of memories.....


PS I will post before and after pics when the deed is done. Wish me luck

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Saturday, July 3, 2010

My new song

Suburban Housewife

So I am not sure how to upload the video on here so you have to click on the link above.

This video was shared with me a few months back and I laughed so hard I cried!

Please NOTE:
If you are easily offended by the word fuck, mother fucker, calling your children bitch, or any other type of profanity please do NOT click on the video. In fact you should not be reading this blog either,

Annie, a mother fucking housewife