Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Holier than thou

This last week I received a Facebook message from one of those people that you really wished you had never "confirmed" as a friend. The type that has zero sense of humor, a self-righteous attitude and is a buzz kill. The message was so thoroughly offensive and out of line that I at first did not even know how to respond to it. Half of me wanted to yell (in all caps) "TAKE YOUR HOLIER THAN THOU ATTITUDE AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS." I also thought about sending her some of her own medicine by quoting the bible where it says "take the plank out of your own eye before pointing to the splinter in mine" (paraphrased AMS style).  Alas I came to my senses, cooled down a bit and decided that would not be a kind or effective way to respond to this so-called friend. Instead I only thanked her for her unsolicited prayers. I naively thought that would be the end of the emails, but I was wrong. Immediately I got a response back about how I was a "sinner" and "lost to our sweet Jesus." COME ON!!!!! Look I am a Christian, I believe in God, I strive to be kind to others, love all people, and conduct myself in an ethical and moral manner, but to be called out like this by someone I have not seen in 10 years in unbelievable! In addition to have my life and actions judged from my FB postings and status updates is verging on insanely ridiculous! This has left me with a bade taste in my mouth about the glories of FB. I love playing on there and staying connected to people, but when "friends" cross the line of etiquette and begin judging I want to give it up. I feel bad deleting people, but I am thinking it is time to purge the crazies off.


Wednesday, June 23, 2010


"Seriously, another pair?" This after ruining my fifth pair of underwear in so many days with period leakage. What is the deal? If having three kids and aging into your thirties means that you start having tampon overflow I am pissed! I have considered shoving two tampons up the va-ja-ja to try and capture the  immense amount of blood that is pouring out of my body. (Sorry I hate to be so graphic, but this is reality people!). There is no way I am going to stick a pad on, so don't even suggest it. The 'pad' or 'pad with wings' is a nice way of saying DIAPER that will make you look and feel like you have a load of shit in your pants. Honestly,what I really think about is why I didn't have the docs pull the entire plumbing out of my body when I had a c-section and got my tubes tied. I could have avoided this whole menstrual cycle for good and skipped menopause! I mean seriously....I would not be writing this post if I had just had a hysterectomy. 

It is also right about now that I wish I was a guy. I honestly don't want that 'thing' hanging between my legs and I don't have penis envy, but at least IT doesn't bleed!!!! Men have it so easy!!! So g*d damn easy when it comes to bodily function. I hate them for that! ARGH!

The only good thing to come out of ruining all 5 pairs of underwear is that I have to make a trip to Victoria's Secret. 

Bleeding Annie

Friday, June 18, 2010


As of late I feel controlled by my ever changing emotions. It is like I have permanent PMS. To be honest I am bothered by my outburst of emotion. I used to be a pretty even killed and controlled person. I wouldn't go as far as to say that I had no feelings, but it seemed as if I did not wear them on my sleeve like I do now. Then again 10 years ago I didn't have children and I wasn't married, two things that can cause those deep emotions to come bubbling to the surface. It seems to me that the more life I live, the more that I see and experience, or even hear what friends, the world, and humanity have to deal with makes me feel raw... That is the word that keeps coming to my mind these days, RAW emotion. My perspective has been altered by the short life I have lived. I no longer can see the world in black and white or find reasons to judge others for the decisions they make. We are all simply trying to survive.

I find myself now with an over abundance of emotions; love, irritation, fear, anger, joy, passion, anxiety, silly, sexy, regret, hope and hopelessness. What I find difficult is not the feelings and allowing myself to experience them, but to let those close to me know what I need in those moments that I become overwhelmed. For fuck sake I do not even know what I need or want in those moments! Probably to be told I am not a crazy psycho bitch (what I actually do fear becoming). I wish I could turn it off like a switch and close off those flood gates that have decided to open themselves up in my soul and heart. Then again personal growth is not supposed to be easy, we have to move through it to find the peace on the other side. To become like that lotus flower coming up from the muck. Although we cannot see what life holds or the reasons why the walls seem to fall down around us I am sure (or am trying to convince myself) that it is worth the crazy roller coaster of emotions that I am riding.


Wednesday, June 16, 2010


A sampling of things about myself that aren't exactly flattering. I believe that they prove the dork that I am and cannot escape.

1) Although it is SO NOT cool, I listen to a new album or song OVER AND OVER again. I can't help it! I love to hear the music non-stop until I can't take it anymore. Maybe I am like the 12-year-old with her new Miley Cyrus album. (note, I do not listen to Miley Cyrus)

2) I admit, I look at people in their cars when I am driving, and text, and roll stop signs, and put on makeup, and of course speed. So look out people I will catch you picking your nose or scratching your crotch. You will catch me doing all of the above.

3) When I don't know something I look it up. Many times, I hate to admit, I use Wikipedia. I know, I know it is not a reliable source, but it is so easy. I miss the days when my mom had a whole set of Encyclopedia Britannica on the book shelves and I could go find what I was looking for. This also reminds me of one of my favorite book series as a kid: Encyclopedia Brown, I wanted to be him.

4) I miss having chickens. I also miss mucking stalls and smelling the shit and piss from the livestock mixed in with hay. I admit this is sickly disturbing. There is no way you can understand this unless you grew up in a environment that had it. I will take the stall mucking over the stinky kid poo and baby poo that's in every crack and crevice.

5) I still have my gym shirt from High School. Every time I go to clean out the closet I can't find the strength to throw it out. (I also still wear it)

6) I LOVE watching the news...Celebrity news that is. Give me some Extra, Access Hollywood, or E! any evening. When it comes to TMZ, they're sleazy. Entertainment Tonight and The Insider are not reliable.

So there you have it. A mindless post for a gloomy June day.


Saturday, June 12, 2010


I've written about roles, married life, kids, and a few other things that I like to call "my rants." Then as I was doing the dishes at 7am, because I have already pretty much lived a full day in two short hours (Baby up changed and fed. Twins up and fed. Play with children, clean up said play things with children. Get one kid to the bathroom to shit. Wipe the shit. Argue with child why he SHOULD wash his hands even though he did not wipe his own bum. Unload dishwasher, load dishwasher, do hand wash. Make breakfast and clean up breakfast. Start grocery list. Jump on FB. Start packing list for the days outings.) I started thinking...Even with doing all of that in two hours I wonder...am I being reflective or am I complaining? It is a fine line. There are  those that would most certainly label me/this blog as a complainer. I don't want to be. I want to be happy and satisfied, but I can't help but wonder if a person ever truly can be....satisfied? The more conversations I have with friends about life I start to really wonder about the whole idea of satisfaction. Let's face it life is difficult no matter which way you cut it! All our 'roles' demand a lot from us, people constantly disappoint, we are shocked by actions of those close to us, we crave connection and acceptance but are not always able to find it, we want to succeed and fail. I am not saying that this always happens or that life does not have it's happy times...but again I wonder about satisfaction.

My partner on here wrote about a simpler life, and at first I read it with sweat nostalgia. Now I read it with a craving to go back there...to the way things used to be...maybe even to being a kid again with not so many worries and concerns. This makes me think of my recent train trip. When riding the train I felt renewed by this simpler way of travel. You had to come in contact with people instead of hiding out in your box of a vehicle. You could look out the window and see the land instead of only seeing the tail lights of the cars in front of you.

Now for my disclaimer: I DO NOT consider myself to be a writer. I have NO aspirations of being a great writer. I do enjoy writing as a way to express my thoughts and feelings. For the most part it helps me process...much like a journal. BUT on occasion I do jot down a little something. On the train I did just that. I NEVER share these things with anyone, because like I said I am not a writer (or good at spelling and grammar!). Today though I feel compelled to do so. 

All different. 
All interesting. 
Some rushing. 
Some old. 
Some quietly observing. That's me-- looking and watching. 
Trying to discover self. 
Self in humanity, where do I fit in?


A jerk or a hop. 
A push and a bump. 
Wobble on your legs. 
Sit and feel the motion of the rails. 
This is the way we travel.

Expansive fields. 

Tractor dust blowing in the wind. 
And the sun beats down. 
The fields produce. 
This is real. 
The dirt, the plants, the sun and the rails.

I suppose that there are times that I feel like living the simple life would be easier...more satisfying. Who really knows. The grass is greener. Today though I choose to be satisfied with my life.

Signed the rambling, ranting, complaining...trying to be satisfied

Friday, June 11, 2010

When 30 is Even Too Old for an 80-year-old Man

Today I ventured into a Shoe Cobbler's right here in glamourous Beverly Hills. My boot high "heel" had broken off just as I got out of the elevator on my work floor (damn H&M, cheap things). What a way to start a day! All I could think about was getting the shoe repaired. So, in the typical fashion of this neighborhood, I called five cobblers to see if they could pick up and deliver (I didn't have the time, I was working for goodness sake!!!). I even considered calling Messenger Service to pick up my shoes, drop them off, pick them up, and bring back to me. I mean what is a girl to do at work with a broken heel.
Go do it herself. So, as I walk into the Cobbler's shop I smile at a cute, little, shriveled up, old, I mean REALLY OLD, man. He was dressed to the nine. He was NOT the Cobbler.
I handed my shoe to the grumpy and grungy Cobbler (must be the owner's grandson) and he grunted, "Both". Reluctantly, I handed him both boots and now stood in my black skinnies with my white, gym socks, INSIDE OUT. Oops, I didn't think I would have to take off my boots, let alone in a Beverly Hills shop. I took a seat next to the old man and shuffled my feet next to his and said, "Looks like we're both just in sockies". He gives me a huge grin, shining perfect white teeth. If they were dentures, they were great, they looked like real teeth. See what money can buy...and I think that very thing was on his mind, for me, because next thing you know he was firing questions at me.
"What is your nationality?"
"Are you married?"
"No, you're engaged, is he rich?"
"Do you have tattoos?" (which I had on a jacket, so there's no way he even saw one of mine peaking out)
 At this point, I was like, "Whoa, old man, why all the questions?" I could not help but notice at this point that, at the top of his bald head, were tons of scabs and scaley skin, much like old, OLD people get. Yet, I answered his question and he shook his head (TSK, TSK) and said that Jewish people cannot be buried in a Jewish cemetery if they have tattoos (good thing I'm not Jewish, or even Catholic for that matter).  Really, Old Man, what are you getting at here, I was thinking.
Thankfully, his shoes were ready and he slipped on his expensive, Italian leather loafers. Then he turned to me, walked right up to my chair and cupped my chin in his hand and just shook it admiringly.
"Why, why you have tattoos?"
"I was young. That was 12 years ago."
"You're in your 30's?"
I nodded.
Then he waved me off, like "You're no good," and walked right out.
My jaw dropped to the floor. Suddenly the cute young girl, who this Hugh Hefner practically was asking to marry him so he could have a caretaker and young breasts to stare at to get his Viagra working, was no longer worthy of his affection. I mean, ladies, I could have inherited a fortune! Okay, so, IF I was single, yes; if I was Jewish, maybe; if I didn't have tattoos, ok yeah; but moreso, IF I was in my FUCKING twenties. I guess, ladies, men with his life experience know what happens to our bodies when we hit our 30s. It doesn't matter how cute and young my face looks, I was well past the due date and had reached total expiration.
Once upon a time I worked for a wealthy surgeon in his 70s- hair implants, dentures, fake tan, designer jeans with all those squiggly things on the back pockets and buttons. I mean who was he kidding. But when I told him my mom wasn't dating anyone as a suggested hint, he scoffed and said, "I don't touch women over 30."
He didn't even say "date", he said, "touch."
Are these old men FOR REAL! I mean...LOOK AT THEM!
And so Old Man was long gone by now and my boots were finally ready. Wow, they were like new! Suddenly, I felt the same way! The grumpy and grungy Cobbler had my attention and now he was being happy and kind, of course he knew nothing of my age. And so he only charged me $7 for practically a new pair of shoes. I thanked him kindly, and with a smile he said, "Have a great weekend!"
I walked out of there feeling like a brand new pair of shoes myself after initially having a bruised ego from being so insulted by the Old Man. I may be 30, but obviously I can get away with looking younger. What does that say about my bad ass? I've repaired myself much like the cobbler repaired my shoes, in ways that- fuck you all old men- I look better than I ever did in my 20s, and it's A LA NATURAL! So there M*$@!$ F#$%((S!!!!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Retail Therapy

Do any of you use little a retail therapy to help you make it through a tough day or week? I certainly do. I would have never admitted this a few years back (in my 20's) but now...who the hell cares! YES, I on OCCASION buy shit to give myself a little pep in my step, a lift, a feel good moment in time, a boost! I know that the high from the shopping is short lived, but so worth it.

Here is some of my retail therapy:

Urban Decay eye liner in 'Binge', a beautiful navy blue that makes my eyes pop. I am not kidding I feel like I got a face lift I look so damn good. *wink*

Terrible picture, but wonderful recycled clothes! I bought both of these with my sister in Long Beach on 4th street. The street is lined with "hipster vintage" and stores or what I like to call glorified thrift stores. There was one wonderful store, REPLAY, that sold these fun and unexpected shirts and dresses made out of old t-shirts and outdated dresses. I bought these two pieces. I have worn both and love that they are unlike anything you can buy at Nordi's (the store of choice for the vanilla planned community I live in).

Nail Polish makes me feel, well....POLISHED. There is nothing better than buying a new one AND then getting a free set of mini testers. Can't wait to get these bad boys on my finger tips! Chopsticking To My Story, a beautiful burnt orange.

What's retail therapy without a new book.....or two to read! I will be reading these for the next several months while I am on the toilet. (This being the only time I have to read these days!)
Dharma Bums, Jack Kerouac
Little Women and Warewolves, Louisa May Alcott and Porter Grand

There you have it, the few things in the past weeks that have brought a little sparkle to my life. Never underestimate the wonderful effects of retail therapy, albeit short, but wonderful!

Annie, becoming addicted to retail therapy

Weddings in your 30s

...was the title of an article in one of my Bridal magazines.

Beauty Tips:
Hide those wrinkles because they're starting to show.

Are you kidding me? Oh yeah! The magazine has all sorts of talk about ways to conceal those wrinkles and sun spots that are starting to show from those days in your teens and 20s when you could spend all day at the beach without sunscreen and still have perfect skin. In fact, i don't know about you but I always thought (and actually still think) that Vitamin D from the sun is good for my skin. Doesn't that mean that the longer I lay out, the less chance of a breakout?
And then there's the hair. Gone are the pretty curls cascading down your back, or wisping around from an updo. it's time for the classic, elegant, slick back (to show off all that concealer on your face, that's probably why they're seriously recommending it).

Have less of them. Basically they say that by this time most of your friends have children and might not be able to get a sitter.
Choose dresses that will look good on friends who might be pregnant.

Wow, that kind of sucks. But I decided I'm only having two - my sister and my best friend of 25 years. Neither have kids and it would be cool if my sister is pregnant! She would love nothing more than to have a dress to show off she has a baby in her belly.

Destination Weddings. Chances are, they say, this is your second or third wedding and Mom and Dad are no longer paying for it. In this case, when the bride and groom have to fork out the money, combine it with the honeymoon. This will limit the guest list significantly, unless you have a bunch of friends and family who are dying to get out of town and your wedding is the perfect excuse.

That would be cool if my fiancee and I could even get off work for a long period of time. One thing they forgot to mention is how people in their 30s can't just go and take off on a long honeymoon if they have very demanding careers. In our industry, we are going to have to wait to take our honeymoon until the winter holidays when Hollywood literally shuts down. I've had producer friends hold off on their weddings because they were always traveling for business, to film festivals, for this premiere, that premier.  I've talked to other friends who got married and waited two years to have a reception. Really, these days, this age, and in this economy, etiquette goes out the wedding. Do what you can do.

Wow, I feel really old. To make it worse, they had articles for "Weddings in your 20s" and "Weddings in your 40s". I was so far off from the "20s" and not THAT far off from the "40s". Waaaahhh! But you know, it's true. As much as I want to have a party, I just cannot reason with saving thousands of dollars to put toward one day, when with that money I can pay down the debt I accrued from my first marriage. (What a mistake!) Even for my first wedding, I made the location far away to avoid having a ton of guests, and the wedding was still well over twenty grand. However, this is Brad's first wedding, and you think he was a girl, or sorry, "a woman in her 30s" the way he's been acting about it. He's concerned that the less guests we have, the less chances there are for registering for gifts. It's really not so much about the gifts themselves, as it is, he just wants to go shopping for our registries. Uh huh! Then there's the issue that he wants to invite his whole family and all his friends, and not to mention some co-workers. And he doesn't mind spending his hard-earned money. He's willing to spend his savings on this big day. He also wonders if, since i bought my wedding dress, if he now can go shopping for his tuxedo!!!! Yes, he wants to BUY one, since in the business we work, there are enough events to make it worth owing a tuxedo. I've even showed him the numbers it would cost us to have the guest list he proposes (which isn't even that high number-wise, but still) and he just shrugs and says, "Whatever you want..." after just saying, "Oh, but I have to invite so-and-so because he/she invited me to his/her wedding."

Despite all this, I have to say that there are two things that excite me about getting married in my 30s! I'm probably in the best shape ever and my dress looks ROCKIN' on me! And second, I'm marrying my first, true and real love! It feels like the first time because I feel mature enough and finally ready for a marriage and family.

Peace Out and wish me luck with my diva fiancee!

Marcieanna Jasko

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

A Simple Look Back

I know I have been absent for awhile but life keeps changing on me. But I have had a chance to read my partner in crime's blogs and I have to say that though in some ways we are experiencing our 30s similarly, in others we are worlds apart (mostly because I do not have kids...yet). However, I think we both can relate to the "Over 30's" blog I just post.

I found it funny, yes, but I have to say I'm thankful for how things have developed. I am thankful that I can track my man on a daily basis and be in touch throughout the day on BBM. I am thankful that I can look up something that's on the tip of my tongue. I am thankful I don't have to find a scary phone booth to make an emergency call. I am thankful I can take a picture and send it to Facebook for a thousand friends to see in just under a minute. Kids have it easy, but so do we.

I'm thankful that I don't have to worry about mistakes on cards and letters I write, with the shaky handwriting and lines going through misspelled words. I am thankful I get to save paper. I get to save on stamps. So what that I can't run to my mailbox and open it in anticipation for a letter like good 'ol Charlie Brown did day after day, and nothing. Nowadays, you're lucky if you can even afford to live anywhere where you can have your own mailbox. What's nostalgic about community boxes you have to open with a key? And I don't even have time in a day to check my mailbox, usually it's 3 days, sometimes even a week, before I grab my mail. That's because bills are done online, letters are sent to me online, everything is online. And even better, I don't even have to run to my computer to check if a letter/email has come in from that special someone, I can get it straight to my Blackberry. In fact, sometimes I write an email on the computer and on my Blackberry at the same time. Now that's multi-tasking! Two letters at one time, hit the SEND button and VIOLA!

I want a share a story.

Was there ever a time when you were younger when your mom or dad forgot to pick you up from school? Yeah, well, I'm raising my hand. My mom forgot on several occasions, and was VERY LATE, on several OTHER occasions. There is nothing worse than being the last person on the school grounds after school. Sitting on the steps, your ass sore from the hard concrete, backpack weighing you down because you don't want to take it off so that when you mom finally shows up, if she shows up, you can look that much more pathetic and she could be made to feel that much worse. I mean there was NO WAY I could get in touch. No pay phone nearby. Nothing. That was the WORST feeling EVER! So I mean it, when I say I will NEVER do that to my child. I can't get away with it anyway these days, unless I forget my cellphone at home AND forget my kid. And now if I need a ride somewhere, or to be picked up, and someone is late, I can call, send a text, send a BBM and say, "Where the FUCK are you?" I thanked God when cellphones arrived.

Besides, all that was great of my younger days, most specifically the 80s, was the music and leg warmers!

I'm just glad I'm old enough to appreciate the way things are today, but not TOO old to not be able to appreciate all the cool advancements.

The Over 30 Crowd

I didn't write this one but I will comment on it in my next blog:

If you are 30, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!
And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!
See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!

The Over 30 Crowd
(Send this to someone you'd like to make smile)

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Body Snatchers

I was reminded the other day that my body is not my own. Let me explain...once you have children your body and mind will never be the same. All you mothers understand this, I am sure.

Here's the rundown of how it works:
First, you are pregnant and you think to yourself this is going to be a delightful and wonderful experience to grow a human being. Well, let me tell you...it's NOT HUMAN...it's like an alien taking over you for 9 months! The things that your body does to you is not human like...the way you contort, bones moving, hair growing, nails getting to the length that would rival the Guinness world record, the secretions that come out of your body, the weight, the bloat, the water retention...LORD, when you are pregnant YOU ARE A MESS. And, it's not just your body, your mind goes to places you never thought possible...hormones fuck with you and make you cry when watching a Honda Odyssey commercial! If you're not crying you find yourself scrubbing down the driveway with bleach because you think it might have some kind of evil baby killing bacteria. Like I said you are a mess when pregnant.

Second, you have the kid and let's not even go into how THAT whole process alters your body. Then you hold this little infant in your arms and probably think, "ahhh, now I can finally get myself back." ......Um, NO! That cute little bundle of joy wants to "chomp on your nipples" (thank you to my 5 year old son for coining that phrase). Breastfeeding is all good and wonderful and I am 110% behind it, but again it F's with your body! It ruins those beautiful boobies you once had! Believe me I know all too well. After my twins I thought I should fix my deflated and inverted boobs so I got a job! Yup, a breast augmentation. Then what happened you ask? Well I got knocked up AGAIN!!!! Now the poor bobbies are back on the road to recovery with no actual end in sight.

Third, your body becomes a jungle gym for the kid. They claw you with their little razor nails. They use your hair as a rope to climb to higher heights. And if they are like my little baby, they use your now oversized nipple as a bracing point if they start to fall over. Just the other day my baby did this to me several times and I think my nipples are still sore from the trauma.

Fourth, as they get older I believe children get a secret and evil joy from pointing out your flaws. They tend to notice all the things that you are most insecure about; "what are those bumps on your face?" (that would be acne from the hormones that are still doing a number on my body.) "Why do you have a spot on your chin?" (that one would be a mole.) "You need to wax your arms like you wax your legs because they are super hairy." "How come your tummy is so squishy?" (that would be because I carried you in it for 9 months). I could go on and on with the wonderful ways kids make you feel like a million bucks.

Fifth and final, you start to believe after a few years into motherhood that your body DOES and WILL get back to its old self. AND just when you start thinking this you get a glimpse of your naked self in the mirror (because we all know we actually try to avoid mirrors when naked). Here are the constant reminders that I had kids and that I will never be my former self again: Stretch marks all over the place, flabby skin on my belly, nipples that stick out 10 inches too far, a vagina that seems to be misshaped for better or worse, irregular and HEAVY periods, tons of "re-growth" of hair on my head that makes me think that I am half black, and a mental state that causes me to question if I was ever really a sane person.

Conclusion, babies = body snatchers and you will never be able to escape them or the wreckage they leave behind.