Thursday, October 28, 2010


In this up and down emotional state that I am in recently I have come to the realizations that I need to start managing my expectations. The expectations of not only myself but of others. So I'm trying to expect less of myself...less than perfection. Why do I have to have a clean house? Fuck it. Why do I need to be up to date on pop culture? Fuck it. Why do I need to be the calm mom all the time with the kids? Fuck it. Why do I need to always comply? Fuck it. Why do I need to care so much about what others think of me? Fuck it. If I screw up and disappoint all those around me, that's life. If I've changed and you don't like it, FUCK YOU.

Others, I expect a lot of you. I expect a lot from friends and even more from family. I realized that I put unrealistic expectations on how I want others to function in their lives. If I expect perfection from myself it does not mean others have to as well. So FUCK IT! If you don't call me back I am not going to assume you're upset with me. If you don't do the fucking dishes that are staring at your face, I don't care. Maybe you're going blind? If you walk away from me, I don't care. Possibly you didn't hear me. And so on.

On a positive note I am also learning to appreciate my friends more than ever. I am recognizing that I NEED them in my life. I can see that these women in my life (you know who you are) I cannot survive without. They are my foundation. They are my strength. Thank you. I don't say that enough. Thank you for your continued support. Thank you for your acceptance. Thank you for your advice. Thank you for standing by me and never letting me fall too low. I don't think I could survive without your love.

Fucking it all,

Hope none of you are too offended by the 9x's I said Fuck in this post. Now 10x's.

Thursday, October 21, 2010


I have been considering running away. To shirk all the responsibilities of being a mom, wife, homeowner....of being an adult. Do you have those days that  you just want to rewind the clock and go back to zero responsibility? All I've done my whole life is the RIGHT thing the RESPONSIBLE thing. I have made decisions that made sense I have walked the path of least resistance. It's boring. It's busy. It's full but not fulfilling. Always told what to think or how to act. Following the 'normalcy' of what's expected by society, our white American Christian culture. I'm fed up with it. I find myself screaming at the TV newscasters, at the idiots that supposedly run our country, at the ridiculous parents that give their little ones every god damn thing they whine for. I find myself irritated at those that don't think for themselves, that follow the crowd, that attempt to please everyone. I do this because I see reflections of myself in them and in their actions. I look inside with disgust at that part of my soul. I want to be who I am. This past year has been an evolution of Annie. I have been rolling around fighting against the ties that link me to the past and find that I can't cut them away. Their like those annoying weeds in my garden that just keep coming back...I cut the past away and it creeps back in...The judgement, the rigidity, the insecurity, the self doubt. 

So I fantasize...A small one room hut somewhere in the middle of nowhere in Thailand or in Fiji...only beauty to look at, the ocean to listen to...away from everyone and everything. No responsibility. No judgement. No past and no future. I want to stay there for a little while. Maybe a week or a month. I want to let nature revitalize me. I want to let my mind and heart quiet down for a few moments. But alas, I can't go. In reality I can't leave and I cannot run away.

What I can do is RUN. I want to run. A run from this house, my cage, up the hill and into the trails. Be there with nature for a minute. Escape. Then I'll 'U' turn and come back home. A run is what I need. Run away and then run back.


Sunday, October 10, 2010

Should be...

I'm Hot. 

I have moved my super awesome iMac to the front living room aka my office/library/entry way/the only kid empty area of the entire house.

The point was to concentrate. Well actually it was to be able to talk on Skype without the interruption (eruption) of little people. Instead THEY all followed me out here...3 little people and one larger person. AHHHHHHHHH. PLEASE give me 30 minutes to talk to my friends that live on the other side of the planet!!!!! Is this too much to ask. answer: YES. In the end they left me alone for a few and that was nice.

Back on point. Now I sit here in my quiet room, glass of wine as my only companion and pandora kicking some great tunes and I'm loving this moment.
EXCEPT that I should be working.
I should be writing my story.
I should be concentrating.

I don't want to. Bah! I don't want to 'SHOULD' do anything at the moment.

So there!

Annie, the "Rebel" (well at least for the next few minutes while I find a cool pic for this post)

Sunday, October 3, 2010

A few random thoughts today...

Will regret ever go away? All of my family is in San Francisco moving my brother and his girlfriend into their new home together. These 25-year-old kids forging out on their own makes me long for those days after college where the world was my playground...the possibilities endless... It also brings up my old friend, regret. The hindsight of wishing I had done things different back then. Chose another path. But what can you do? Nothing. The reality is I live where I am and I am who I am because of the path I chose. Now what am I going to do with it? Keep traveling? Find another road? Not sure. For now I am holding strong. Looking deep within and finding strength and confidence I never knew I had.

Does therapy work? I've been in therapy on and off for 11 years. Sure it has helped me clarify many issues in my past and has helped me reframe thing currently in my life. BUT is it effective in breaking unhealthy patterns in a relationship? Basically, my therapist told me no this week. He thinks you can find the humor in the patterns, learn to laugh about  yourself and your partner. Not in a negative way but in such a manner as not to take yourself or the relationship too serious. I guess I am going to try this. I may be too serious of a person. *sarcastic laugh*

Does sexting make things HOT? YES. BUT look out cause the man on the other end is going to want it when he gets home! It's all fun and games until you actually have to put out. AND look out if you both have iphone 4 because things get interesting with face time. I will leave it at that.