Thursday, December 9, 2010


I know I always play the victim but I promise that I do try to be strong so that it doesn't come off that way, but my strength turns into something different. It turns into anger, and I turn into a monster. Here I am, and I am so sick, sick that yes I am going to get ahead financially, but I still have to go bankrupt to do so; sick that all I do when things get rough is turn ugly rather than being humble and just saying, "Well, thank God I'm just alive with a roof over my head."

But at a certain point when I have been through so many ringers, I just want something good. Is that too much to ask? I want to marry the man I love, but I can't because I don't have money and I have to wait until I have sorted out my finances and I do have money. Well, what does that tell me...that I'm not good enough.

There was only one time in my life I actually contemplated suicide and I partially went through with it. I was 14. I have only the last year thought about it over and over again because some days the pain is too much and the failure is too embarrassing. Another form of suicide is just giving up entirely, on everything, even my relationship, and running home to my mom. I picture us growing old together, my mom and me, like in GREY GARDENS, crazy and miserable, that life treated us so horribly. I picture nursing her to her death when that day comes and I end up all alone buried in cat feces because I just stopped caring.

Everything I'm feeling is because of work. The morale dropped so low here, and my spirits even further, a lot is at stake here and I cannot simply just quit. Now if I can just say that about life in general, I will be okay.

The Victim (sorry, I am not proud to say it)


  1. Aw, I'm sorry. :( I know you're doing the best you can, and from our conversation after the hike that day, I wholeheartedly sympathize with the lack of options available to you in so many areas right now. It's not that you're being a victim and refusing to see the options, it's that they aren't there right now.

    So, have a good wallow in your frustration today. Really let it out. It sucks that you can't get married yet and that the other things in your life aren't working how you'd want them to. It really does. It's ok to be mad and have feelings about that...but then after you really wallow in it and give yourself permission to feel that way, I hope you will go back to looking for the silver lining because you ARE good at that. You have always found a way to thrive and overcome the worst circumstances, turning them into fuel for your creativity, and I know you'll do that again. Love you!!

  2. Amy - this was wonderful what you said, exactly the type of response that can pick someone right back up. Seriously. It feels good that yes, I can be sad and frustrated today, that's ok, I can be normal just to FEEL, AS LONG as I can focus again and look "for the silver lining". Thank you so much.

  3. Friend my heart broke reading this...
    I know that feeling of giving up. Of running away to a safe place. To want to escape life and even death. It is a difficult place to be.

    Like Amy said, let yourself's okay to allow yourself weakness. It is okay to allow yourself failure. It is okay to show vulnerability. Then when you have realize that you are no less of a person for it! That in actuality you are stronger and better for it. That you are REAL! You are ALIVE! You are GENUINE!

    Much love to you and I hope your holiday will be filled with rest.