Thursday, October 21, 2010


I have been considering running away. To shirk all the responsibilities of being a mom, wife, homeowner....of being an adult. Do you have those days that  you just want to rewind the clock and go back to zero responsibility? All I've done my whole life is the RIGHT thing the RESPONSIBLE thing. I have made decisions that made sense I have walked the path of least resistance. It's boring. It's busy. It's full but not fulfilling. Always told what to think or how to act. Following the 'normalcy' of what's expected by society, our white American Christian culture. I'm fed up with it. I find myself screaming at the TV newscasters, at the idiots that supposedly run our country, at the ridiculous parents that give their little ones every god damn thing they whine for. I find myself irritated at those that don't think for themselves, that follow the crowd, that attempt to please everyone. I do this because I see reflections of myself in them and in their actions. I look inside with disgust at that part of my soul. I want to be who I am. This past year has been an evolution of Annie. I have been rolling around fighting against the ties that link me to the past and find that I can't cut them away. Their like those annoying weeds in my garden that just keep coming back...I cut the past away and it creeps back in...The judgement, the rigidity, the insecurity, the self doubt. 

So I fantasize...A small one room hut somewhere in the middle of nowhere in Thailand or in Fiji...only beauty to look at, the ocean to listen to...away from everyone and everything. No responsibility. No judgement. No past and no future. I want to stay there for a little while. Maybe a week or a month. I want to let nature revitalize me. I want to let my mind and heart quiet down for a few moments. But alas, I can't go. In reality I can't leave and I cannot run away.

What I can do is RUN. I want to run. A run from this house, my cage, up the hill and into the trails. Be there with nature for a minute. Escape. Then I'll 'U' turn and come back home. A run is what I need. Run away and then run back.



  1. I hope you did take that run...For some reason reading this entry made me really sad. I am sorry you are feeling this way. I don't really have anything of substance to say, I just didn't want to read and not comment. *Cyber Hug*

  2. wow, annie is evolving and so is her writing - great post, AM! i, too, hope u got to run away for a little bit.

    here are some more random but related quotes i found for you today...hope u like:

    "All men should strive
    to learn before they die
    what they are running from, and to, and why."
    ~James Thurber

    "A bend in the road is not the end of the road... unless you fail to make the turn."
    ~Author Unknown

    "If you're going through hell, keep going." ~Winston Churchill

    I thought the last one was kinda funny, and u can substitute 'running' for 'going'. So, keep on running girl, keep on runnin'. :) xoxo

  3. Oh, I can't believe I didn't see this post until now. Wow, that was touching. I'm not worried about you, but hopeful for you - that you'll find that respite you're seeking. The fact that you're so aware of what you're going through is evidence of a measure of maturity and strength. It's not easy to admit those feelings, especially if you're the one always going with the flow.

    I admire your honesty, and look forward to seeing you grow...The Evolution of Annie sounds like a good song, haha.

  4. Amy-Thank you for the cyber hug!

    Kitty- I love these quotes, especially the James Thurber one. That should be on my bathroom mirror. Also thank you for the nice compliment on my writing. I wrote this post in a high emotional state....I am surprised it made any sense at all. Hahahaha. Maybe that means I should only write when feeling emotional, like during that certain time of month.

    Sassy- Thanks for the encouragement. Being self-aware has not been easy for me. I have been trying to be more cognizant of myself and why I do or do not do certain things. Not very easy.

    I have not made it on that run. I still really want to. I probably just need to get up with the sun and go. That sounds like a nice time to go...quiet start to the day. Maybe tomorrow?