I have been considering running away. To shirk all the responsibilities of being a mom, wife, homeowner....of being an adult. Do you have those days that you just want to rewind the clock and go back to zero responsibility? All I've done my whole life is the RIGHT thing the RESPONSIBLE thing. I have made decisions that made sense I have walked the path of least resistance. It's boring. It's busy. It's full but not fulfilling. Always told what to think or how to act. Following the 'normalcy' of what's expected by society, our white American Christian culture. I'm fed up with it. I find myself screaming at the TV newscasters, at the idiots that supposedly run our country, at the ridiculous parents that give their little ones every god damn thing they whine for. I find myself irritated at those that don't think for themselves, that follow the crowd, that attempt to please everyone. I do this because I see reflections of myself in them and in their actions. I look inside with disgust at that part of my soul. I want to be who I am. This past year has been an evolution of Annie. I have been rolling around fighting against the ties that link me to the past and find that I can't cut them away. Their like those annoying weeds in my garden that just keep coming back...I cut the past away and it creeps back in...The judgement, the rigidity, the insecurity, the self doubt.
So I fantasize...A small one room hut somewhere in the middle of nowhere in Thailand or in Fiji...only beauty to look at, the ocean to listen to...away from everyone and everything. No responsibility. No judgement. No past and no future. I want to stay there for a little while. Maybe a week or a month. I want to let nature revitalize me. I want to let my mind and heart quiet down for a few moments. But alas, I can't go. In reality I can't leave and I cannot run away.
What I can do is RUN. I want to run. A run from this house, my cage, up the hill and into the trails. Be there with nature for a minute. Escape. Then I'll 'U' turn and come back home. A run is what I need. Run away and then run back.