Sunday, November 7, 2010

On the Move

It has happened, we are one of those dreaded statistics out there that you hear about on NPR every morning. We are loosing our house and foreclosing because we have a dreaded ARM loan and our house is worth LESS than we owe on it. For two years we have tried to work with the bank to help us...applied for a home loan modifications, called them, researched federal programs, but the bank refuses to help. They want us to be diliquent on our loan and show financial distress. I guess that giving 70% of your income to your mortgage and draining your savings is not enough to prove that you need help. We tried to do things right and we kept paying the mortgage, yet apparently we should have just stopped. Well, that would have F'd our credit and how would we get qualified to move or buy a car (our car lease is up in March)? Now we find ourselves packing up 5 bedrooms, a 3 car garage..2,700 sq ft to move into 3 bedrooms and 2,000 sq ft. I am grateful for finding a house in a beautiful neighborhood. I am glad that it is one level and can fit my washer and dryer (many of the homes we looked at would not fit the high efficiency machines and I am quite attached to mine). I am excited about decorating with color. I am grateful to be up in civilization again...Newport/Costa Mesa. Yet, with all the positives I can't help but feel a dark could of sadness looming over me. I have started having panic attacks again. I find myself crying constantly. When one mother from school told me her son said he didn't want to go to Kindergarten next year because the twins would not be there I cried. When the twins closest little friend found out we were moving and went and sulked and stared out the window I cried. When I look around at my house...torn up and furniture gone I choke up and cry. I see the work and love we have put into this home I cry. Realizing that we will not be back on this PERFECT street, with loving and caring neighbors and friends I cry. The husband doesn't understand my "depression and mopieness" and thinks I should be excited about the new prospects of moving. That makes me cry more. Of course there are positives, as stated above, but now in these moment of transition I am mostly sad. Typing now I cry. Wiping tears away quickly so the little people won't see them. I try to be strong and happy for them. 

I'm going to miss my friends here. I am going to miss the kid's friends. I am going to miss my home. The holidays are going to be off. I dumped most of the decorations. I don't have the desire to celebrate. All I want to do is crawl in a hole and sleep through the whole season. Avoid all the happy people buying shit. Instead I will suck it up and be strong for the family...this is what I do.

Trying to stay strong,
Annie

5 comments:

  1. I understand how you feel Annie, I promise you you're not alone. It's okay to feel how you feel. Call me anytime if you wanna chat or bawl. <3.

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  2. KITTY in Croatia =DNovember 7, 2010 at 12:05 PM

    oh boy, i'm really sorry to hear that annie. crap. i know u said that was likely to happen, but still...CRAP.

    i have to tell u i smirked a little reading this blog, just thinking about the differences between how you & James are processing this move, and really how men & women just process things differently. i remember personally bawling tons of times before we left for Croatia, thinking about leaving, saying goodbye to the life i knew, etc.; and Jon, i don't think cried once about it. of course, your situation is clearly worse since you didn't sign up for the change you're about to experience, but nevertheless, i think there's nothing wrong with going thru a 'grieving' stage. i think that even though you wanted to move (at least i remember u telling me that b4), there's still a part of you that is going to naturally be sad to see your old life, as u knew it, officially end, along with the dreams you brought with you for your life there when u originally moved in.

    BUT, i think after you're time of grief is over, i hope you'll be able to find the strength and desire within yourself to stand up tall and begin again. you're going to get the chance to wipe the slate clean, erase all the yuckies that you've really been living day in & day out, and create new dreams for yourself, for your family, for your future.

    If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again.
    ~Flavia Weedn, Flavia and the Dream Maker

    Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known. ~Garrison Keillor

    When you move,you're gonna have all you really need with you and within you. Don't let it die. In your 'voice' (via this blog), I can almost feel you wanting to just let yourself slip away into the despair of it all; but, don't just 'fake' being strong for the family. Grieve, and grieve hard, but don't wallow there too long girl, cuz I DO NOT want to lose you to a deep depression. You have too much good stock in your inventory to let the dark side win.

    Sometimes in tragedy we find our life's purpose - the eye sheds a tear to find its focus. ~Robert Brault

    So...I'm going to be praying for you, the hubby and the kids during this transition. I'm sure it's gonna be rough on you all. But I'm gonna pray that it somehow brings you all closer together in the end and that you'll find the desire eventually & genuinely to celebrate again.

    Love you...

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  3. I'm sorry it's been a rough couple of weeks. :( I completely understand the feeling of being uprooted. There are so many memories there for you and I think it would be amazing and weird if you DIDN'T feel very sad at leaving, though the new place will be awesome and you'll make new memories there. And please, call me crying from the bathroom anytime. I'll cry with you.

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  4. WHOA!!!! Annie, I'm so sorry to hear about this. Change is so hard. Saying goodbye to people and a house you held so dear, is painful. I love you and all I can do is pray that this becomes a NEW BEGINNING in several ways- mostly for your marriage. I want to believe this might be the uprooting you both need, or have needed, and in the end everyone, including your little ones, and Robbie, will be so much happier. Selfishly, you will not be as far away to visit now since we spend a lot more time in Newport area because so many of Brad's relatives live there. But not that a measly visit from me is exciting, but I'm just trying to find things to put a little smile on your face.
    Again, though, CHANGE is freakin's scary, the days leading up to it create practically ulcers. But the second it's all over, and you're in it, all of a sudden, it's not so bad. All panic attacks, stress, tears and fears are gone. I hope you will be able to look back and agree once this is all over.
    I love you!

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  5. Thanks everyone. This has been a tough time for me, as you have read. The encouragement you each give helps pull me through. I am still having bouts of sadness and tears, but they are a little less. As I sort through our belongings I feel as if I am sorting through our lives. Maybe, as M says above, it will be a new beginning and just what we needed. I hope that is true.

    Again, love you all and thank you for the continued support.
    Annie

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