It's been one of those emotional roller coaster days. (I've written about that before on here). I think for me writing about a bad day helps it seem less powerful. It helps me to take back control. I like control. When I feel that I am not in control of myself or my emotions...I have a hard time. I cannot think straight, write straight, or focus.
Today started just like any other day...early morning wake-up, coffee, kids complaining. I was hopeful for a good day. Then those little rascals started in on me...the nagging, complaining and fighting. By 12:30 pm I had lost it. We had been to the doctors where I had to my EXTREME embarrassment the kid had a HUGE shart in his pants during his exam. Then he threw a complete and utter fit over his shots. On the way out we stopped at the bathroom and he pissed. No poo, just piss (this is important to note as the later part of this story this is a key point).
We then hit my LEAST favorite place on this green earth, Walmart. Besides my utter disdain for this god forsaken store we had to get a bunch of stuff for our impending trip. While in the store the kids fight, bounce on and off the cart all while the baby trys to climb out of her restraint. The boy again makes a trip to the bathroom in the middle of shopping. (Again only piss. This while I had a fully cart of shit and a baby and another kid to worry about. I did what I never have...sent him in alone to the restroom. I just could not handle unloading everyone. He said he had no poop.) By the time we get to the car I realize he has another shart, so I proceed to clean him up in the car. This is not ideal...a 5 year old has a smelly butt!
Next we hit a local surf shop. This time I strapped the baby on. Let the twins follow me around in the store. Of course they decided to hide in the racks and run like idiots all around the store. Then the boy screamed that his poo was about to fall out his butt. In rushing him to the bathroom we left the girl. I get him on the toilet and leave him there to go find the girl. Of course she is weeping. I am sweating and stressed. We get back to the bathroom that is full of boxes and employee piss. The baby then takes her pacie out and chucks it into the mop bucket. (fuck that, I am not getting it). The boy takes his sweet time getting his log out. Finally, we get the shit out of the way.
Finally, we go to Costco. I had to buy so many large items I could not have the twins in the cart....NEVER again will I go there with them NOT in the cart. The entire time they fought. I even ran the boy over with the cart. The baby again tried to climb out. The checker reprimanded my brats for their bad behavior. I tried to breathe. My stress level was rising to a panic attack.
On the way home the screamed, yelled, and spit at each other. I in turn raised the volume of the radio. The baby screamed from hunger. She refused her snack and threw it in the car. Somehow that gave the twins permission to start chucking their food around the car. I SCREAMED to stop. They laughed. I again tried to breathe. By the time we were rolling up to the drive way they had unbuckled from the car seats....I FLIPPED. (note: NEVER, never have I ever yelled, screamed bloddy murder at my children before). I screamed, swear words and all at them. I sent them to their rooms, shut the doors, and threatened death if they came out. I left them there an hour.
I cried. I weeped. I just lost it. I had those terrible feelings of guilt. I had lost it. Completely lost it. What would they think of me? I cannot even control myself, how can I expect them to do it?
I finished the rest of the day crying here and there for all different reasons...a dropped utensil, not being able to reach my husband by phone...Then I went into critiquing my life...what a bad house keeper I am, how I don't love my kids enough, how I am fucking them up, why I should have never gone back to work, why I can't seem to handle motherhood...It just kept spiraling....Even now I sit here in the dark, drink in hand and tears flow....I am a mess.
I try, I try so hard and it never seems to be enough....
I apologized to the kids. I saw the sadness in their eyes... It broke my heart. Tonight I take a big deep breath and try to start again new tomorrow.
PS. I am not going to proof read this post, sorry, I think it will be too hard to read over it.....