As of late I feel controlled by my ever changing emotions. It is like I have permanent PMS. To be honest I am bothered by my outburst of emotion. I used to be a pretty even killed and controlled person. I wouldn't go as far as to say that I had no feelings, but it seemed as if I did not wear them on my sleeve like I do now. Then again 10 years ago I didn't have children and I wasn't married, two things that can cause those deep emotions to come bubbling to the surface. It seems to me that the more life I live, the more that I see and experience, or even hear what friends, the world, and humanity have to deal with makes me feel raw... That is the word that keeps coming to my mind these days, RAW emotion. My perspective has been altered by the short life I have lived. I no longer can see the world in black and white or find reasons to judge others for the decisions they make. We are all simply trying to survive.
I find myself now with an over abundance of emotions; love, irritation, fear, anger, joy, passion, anxiety, silly, sexy, regret, hope and hopelessness. What I find difficult is not the feelings and allowing myself to experience them, but to let those close to me know what I need in those moments that I become overwhelmed. For fuck sake I do not even know what I need or want in those moments! Probably to be told I am not a crazy psycho bitch (what I actually do fear becoming). I wish I could turn it off like a switch and close off those flood gates that have decided to open themselves up in my soul and heart. Then again personal growth is not supposed to be easy, we have to move through it to find the peace on the other side. To become like that lotus flower coming up from the muck. Although we cannot see what life holds or the reasons why the walls seem to fall down around us I am sure (or am trying to convince myself) that it is worth the crazy roller coaster of emotions that I am riding.