Saturday, June 12, 2010

Satisfaction

I've written about roles, married life, kids, and a few other things that I like to call "my rants." Then as I was doing the dishes at 7am, because I have already pretty much lived a full day in two short hours (Baby up changed and fed. Twins up and fed. Play with children, clean up said play things with children. Get one kid to the bathroom to shit. Wipe the shit. Argue with child why he SHOULD wash his hands even though he did not wipe his own bum. Unload dishwasher, load dishwasher, do hand wash. Make breakfast and clean up breakfast. Start grocery list. Jump on FB. Start packing list for the days outings.) I started thinking...Even with doing all of that in two hours I wonder...am I being reflective or am I complaining? It is a fine line. There are  those that would most certainly label me/this blog as a complainer. I don't want to be. I want to be happy and satisfied, but I can't help but wonder if a person ever truly can be....satisfied? The more conversations I have with friends about life I start to really wonder about the whole idea of satisfaction. Let's face it life is difficult no matter which way you cut it! All our 'roles' demand a lot from us, people constantly disappoint, we are shocked by actions of those close to us, we crave connection and acceptance but are not always able to find it, we want to succeed and fail. I am not saying that this always happens or that life does not have it's happy times...but again I wonder about satisfaction.

My partner on here wrote about a simpler life, and at first I read it with sweat nostalgia. Now I read it with a craving to go back there...to the way things used to be...maybe even to being a kid again with not so many worries and concerns. This makes me think of my recent train trip. When riding the train I felt renewed by this simpler way of travel. You had to come in contact with people instead of hiding out in your box of a vehicle. You could look out the window and see the land instead of only seeing the tail lights of the cars in front of you.

Now for my disclaimer: I DO NOT consider myself to be a writer. I have NO aspirations of being a great writer. I do enjoy writing as a way to express my thoughts and feelings. For the most part it helps me process...much like a journal. BUT on occasion I do jot down a little something. On the train I did just that. I NEVER share these things with anyone, because like I said I am not a writer (or good at spelling and grammar!). Today though I feel compelled to do so. 

RAILS
People. 
Faces. 
All different. 
All interesting. 
Passing. 
Some rushing. 
Some old. 
Some quietly observing. That's me-- looking and watching. 
Trying to discover self. 
Self in humanity, where do I fit in?

Movement. 

A jerk or a hop. 
A push and a bump. 
Wobble on your legs. 
Sit and feel the motion of the rails. 
This is the way we travel.

Expansive fields. 

Tractor dust blowing in the wind. 
And the sun beats down. 
The fields produce. 
Life. 
This is real. 
The dirt, the plants, the sun and the rails.



I suppose that there are times that I feel like living the simple life would be easier...more satisfying. Who really knows. The grass is greener. Today though I choose to be satisfied with my life.

Signed the rambling, ranting, complaining...trying to be satisfied
Annie

11 comments:

  1. KITTY in Croatia =DJune 12, 2010 at 4:20 PM

    Coming from a former English teacher, I say "write, write & write, girl!" It's such a great way of creative expression and also just a healthy academic habit. We do so much crap writing on FB/email, that it's good to do something 'real' every once in a while. =D

    As for the satisfaction topic, your cup-half-full-friend over on the other side of the world says - YES! I do believe it IS possible to not only be satisfied, but also content with life...HAPPY is admittedly maybe pushing it, at least for me 100% of the time if i'm being honest; but, being honest, i can say that CONTENTEDNESS/SATISFACTION is doable! I think it's a state of mind, mostly. I do think some people are just wired more towards it though, while others are not. But I always think it's possible to fidget with how we're wired up...at least, the hopeful side of me does. =D

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  2. I have been thinking about contentment a lot lately as well...my mom keeps telling me "If you can't have the whole loaf, be content with the slice you have." That's good advice, because especially in my situation with my health, being frustrated and angry about things will not help anything, and instead will detract from my enjoyment of life. It's hard to do, but a worthy goal.

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  3. Thanks ladies! Both of you have great advice and encouragement....
    I would ask, though, what about those things that are in your power to change....can you change them and become satisfied? At what point do you become content? AND how do you know that you are? When do you let go of the dream that is impossible to achieve? I don't know the answers, but it is something I think about pretty often these days...

    Annie

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  4. I suppose you mean how we spend our free time, etc? Or what other things that we could change? I think, for me at least, I have to keep making it top of mind that it is physically impossible for me to do everything I want to do right now, that sacrifice for others builds character, and that it will not be this way forever. That is how I find contentment...but as you know well I don't succeed all the time. ;) I think I know I am content when at the end of the day I am not agonizing over how I wish my life was different but rather knowing I did the best I could that day. I do wish that happened more often. As far as letting go of dreams, well I will never be a ballet dancer, so there you go. Haha.

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  5. AM, good stuff! I like 'Rails'. It sounds like the beginnings of a really cool kids' book. (Except for the self-discovery part, but maybe kids are more existentialist these days. teehee.)

    I've always struggled to find the balance between content and static. I'm a dynamic person by nature, and although (like Amy said) static times are character building, I struggle to find as much value in those times. I've decided that if I have a lot of energy to get out, then it's my responsibility to do so, in whatever way I can - assuming my head is screwed on straight and my integrity/dignity/morals are in check. It's not always easy, but I'm learning.

    One of my favorite quotes, since I was a kid:

    “Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me...
    Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.” ~ Shel Silverstein

    <3

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  6. P.S. A few weeks ago, I picked up a paintbrush for the first time since elementary school. I've been painting almost daily since then, and it helps get nervous energy out while we wait for Matt's neck surgery. Who knew painting was so theraputic? (I could've saved so much $$$ after my divorce!) =) He's in so much pain, it's so hard not being able to help. I HATE feeling helpless, you might as well suffocate me.

    Sometimes we can't change our circumstances, but we can adapt, grow and persevere - and in that choice, we have another: to simply survive or to evolve. I used to garden a lot, and found it interesting - plants do it all the time. Nature does it all the time. Humans, though...I think we tend to overthink it. (hugs)

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  7. Amy and AP-
    Partly I am thinking about free time, but also about my job (motherhood, housewife, etc). Can I/we be satisfied there? It's a challenge for me, just being honest. Those times I can see the "fruits of my labor" or get a big hug and kiss from the little people it does seem satisfying. BUT there are so many times I do not feel that way. I guess that is where I have to find the "me time" or the strength and where-with-all in myself to DECIDE or CHOOSE to be satisfied with my life.

    AP, you are right we do over think things and I do get nervous energy many times. I wish many times that I had a talent like singing or playing an instrument I could go to for release....Instead this blog fills some of that void as well as gardening. I used TV for a lot of years and I really don't want to keep doing that....it pretty much is mind numbing, which is can be good some of the time. Also, love that quote by Shel Siverstein, I hope my kids will listen to the "Anything can happen!" I never did and I regret it.

    AM

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  8. I really do think you will need to go back to work at some point...I hope sooner than later. SAHM is a hard job and if you don't feel like it's the job for you forever it will be even harder. You are investing these early years in your kids and that can never be taken away from them (or you) but that doesn't mean that you have to be home indefinitely. Like I told you a while back, I would really encourage you to choose a goal, ie what will you be going back to do when your SAHM adventure is over, and work toward that even if it's just a tiny bit each week. Even if it's just what guides your reading. Having that focus, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, knowing you are doing this for a time, would be so much better than just feeling stuck. You rock at being a mommy; you pour yourself into the job and it shows. But you are also good at being out in the workforce, doing something you believe in, and there is no reason you can't get back out there in a little while.

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  9. Ditto to what Amy said. You rock at being a mommy, that's obvious. I have a gnarly amount of respect for all SAHM, simply because it's a job I don't do very well. I know my strengths, but I also know my weaknesses: I'm a better Mom when I work.

    In a way, my situation is easier - the choice isn't mine, since as a single parent I must work to pay the bills.

    You'll find the balance that works for you, I'm sure of it. Just the fact that you have this blog shows that you're taking care of you.

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  10. whoa...i missed a lot not checking in for a week, lol! well, i have too much to write...most of it would be better said in person...so for now, i'll just say this to tag on something u brought up earlier, AM: i think we have to DECIDE to be content/happy, and then take steps in our lives towards seeing that happen. as for CHOICES, we don't always have that many. life happens. sometimes we experience things in our life BECUZ of our OWN choices (ie debt cuz of our own spending) and other times, we play no part in how things have intersected our lives (ie death of a loved one). But in either and all situations, I am prone to believing that we can either be victims or over-comers...and i ALWAYS want to choose the latter...and even want you guys, my friends, to hold me accountable to doing that. For example, I have an aunt who lost one of her adult children (aged 19) and 20 years later, she is still wearing black and living in depression...literally; then, Jon has family friends who lost one of their 2 kids, a son, at the age of 8, to leukemia. They started a foundation for children in his name/honor that celebrates happy events (like bdays) for dying children. They're still depressed sometimes...of course, but they're OVER-COMING, they're DECIDING to be happy, even when i'm sure they often don't feel like it. People like that are my idols. Their actions say to me--don't let your situation get the best of you, but you make the best out of your situation. Cliche? Yes, but I think it's good & true (like the little saying Amy's mom told to her)! =D

    XOXO,
    Kitty =D

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  11. Thanks again ladies for the great thoughts and encouragement here.
    Amy: I am so looking forward to work and really want to get serious about starting to network my contacts and finding some work I can do, even from home.
    Kitty: It does ring true to me that we have to CHOOSE to be happy many days and times in our lives. This is a daily choice to do.

    Thank you all mostly for the encouragement with motherhood....it is one FUCKING hard job. You three are amazing mothers that I respect tremendously, so to hear your kinds words means so much!!!

    Love to you all.

    AM

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