Thursday, June 3, 2010

Body Snatchers

I was reminded the other day that my body is not my own. Let me explain...once you have children your body and mind will never be the same. All you mothers understand this, I am sure.

Here's the rundown of how it works:
First, you are pregnant and you think to yourself this is going to be a delightful and wonderful experience to grow a human being. Well, let me tell's NOT's like an alien taking over you for 9 months! The things that your body does to you is not human like...the way you contort, bones moving, hair growing, nails getting to the length that would rival the Guinness world record, the secretions that come out of your body, the weight, the bloat, the water retention...LORD, when you are pregnant YOU ARE A MESS. And, it's not just your body, your mind goes to places you never thought possible...hormones fuck with you and make you cry when watching a Honda Odyssey commercial! If you're not crying you find yourself scrubbing down the driveway with bleach because you think it might have some kind of evil baby killing bacteria. Like I said you are a mess when pregnant.

Second, you have the kid and let's not even go into how THAT whole process alters your body. Then you hold this little infant in your arms and probably think, "ahhh, now I can finally get myself back." ......Um, NO! That cute little bundle of joy wants to "chomp on your nipples" (thank you to my 5 year old son for coining that phrase). Breastfeeding is all good and wonderful and I am 110% behind it, but again it F's with your body! It ruins those beautiful boobies you once had! Believe me I know all too well. After my twins I thought I should fix my deflated and inverted boobs so I got a job! Yup, a breast augmentation. Then what happened you ask? Well I got knocked up AGAIN!!!! Now the poor bobbies are back on the road to recovery with no actual end in sight.

Third, your body becomes a jungle gym for the kid. They claw you with their little razor nails. They use your hair as a rope to climb to higher heights. And if they are like my little baby, they use your now oversized nipple as a bracing point if they start to fall over. Just the other day my baby did this to me several times and I think my nipples are still sore from the trauma.

Fourth, as they get older I believe children get a secret and evil joy from pointing out your flaws. They tend to notice all the things that you are most insecure about; "what are those bumps on your face?" (that would be acne from the hormones that are still doing a number on my body.) "Why do you have a spot on your chin?" (that one would be a mole.) "You need to wax your arms like you wax your legs because they are super hairy." "How come your tummy is so squishy?" (that would be because I carried you in it for 9 months). I could go on and on with the wonderful ways kids make you feel like a million bucks.

Fifth and final, you start to believe after a few years into motherhood that your body DOES and WILL get back to its old self. AND just when you start thinking this you get a glimpse of your naked self in the mirror (because we all know we actually try to avoid mirrors when naked). Here are the constant reminders that I had kids and that I will never be my former self again: Stretch marks all over the place, flabby skin on my belly, nipples that stick out 10 inches too far, a vagina that seems to be misshaped for better or worse, irregular and HEAVY periods, tons of "re-growth" of hair on my head that makes me think that I am half black, and a mental state that causes me to question if I was ever really a sane person.

Conclusion, babies = body snatchers and you will never be able to escape them or the wreckage they leave behind.



  1. BAH-hahahahaha. It's insane, right? Thing is, I loved being pregnant. Gimmie an excuse to overthink a process and nerd out on the body doing it's magic. I love crap like that.

    Now, I will begin cussing.

    Fucking stretch marks. You know, I thought I was getting away without any until two weeks before my lil 9.5 pounder decided to arrive. My tummy was stretched so tight that I finally gave in and scratched my belly button in b-i-i-i-g lazy circles. It felt like an orgasm, it was such a relief. Then, in silent horror, I watched as my stomach turned itself into a giant purple and red birds'-eye view of a hurricane. Around my belly button. Before my very eyes. I still have the scar-swirls. Or rather, the leftover skin tears.

    Bonus: my belly button is about three times larger than it was pre-baby. Oliver thinks it's perfectly logical that he came out of there BECAUSE IT'S FREAKING HUGE.

    I had an emergency C-section after 12 hours of labor, so my vag-vag got to stay intact. Instead, they took out my insides and then layered them back together like a human lasagna. I gained more weight after the birth than I had in the pregnancy - AND my lil body decided it didn't like being spliced in half, so my midsection buckled like the cafeteria lady's front-butt for several years. Sexy doesn't even begin to cover it.

    Fucking breastfeeding. I heard it works well. My little guys weren't up to the task (although I enjoyed pumping for two hours at a time, that was AWESOME). I'm still saving for my boob job =). It's like a long-distance friend I haven't met yet. But I can't wait. My boobs are a joke. A very little joke.

    Thanks for posting (again!)...I love these blogs. -AP

  2. Quickly: Apologies for my pirate-mouth. I've been with Matt Eaken too long, it's starting to wear down my ladylike defenses. =|

  3. @AP
    No need to apologize about the language. You should hear me these days!


  4. I'll add my hemorrhoid surgery at 37 weeks to the list of indignities. And my stomach skin, which feels like one of those cans of biscuit dough.