Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Leading Up to This Moment

I never thought that every dream I had, all the hard work I have done, all the success I have accomplished was leading up to this moment. Several days have passed and I have been absent from this blog, though everyday I was writing in my head. But life takes its toll on me and I have been struggling with depression, a very real depression as of late, which has mostly to do with where I am at in my 30's, where I am at as of today.
This past weekend my boyfriend asked my dad for my hand in marriage. My dad cried. But I became scared that I am not where I wished to be by the time I got married again. I haven't actually received myself the proposal and according to my boyfriend, it will not be for another few months.
The last year I have applying and interviewing for that PERFECT Hollywood job, meanwhile working of course and making the most money I have ever made. But I am no where near paying off all of my debt from 7 years of a bad marriage and 2 years of being a divorcee. It all adds up and slowly I am paying things off, but I have another four years of being bonded to debt.
That being said, I have just been offered by my current job a major raise, fantastic benefits and a great Retirement plan. But the job is in the OC, and as far as I'm concerned, it might as well be in the mid-west because as I have learned in the past, OC is another planet compared to Hollywood (maybe that's how Planet Hollywood got its name).
No offense to the OC, please, but I never could do there what I do and have done here in LA/Hollywood. And to go back to a FT job in the OC makes me feel like I failed in accomplishing my dreams. And yet, I keep saying I want to be a grown up and learn from my past mistakes. Well that means, maybe I should take the job that is going to get me out of debt so I can be free again to enjoy marriage when I do actually get marriage, and so I can be free to take any position in Hollywood that would bring me closer to my dreams.
Right now, if I had been offered one of those Hollywood jobs for which I interviewed, I would be making half of what I am making now and probably couldn't pay all my bills. I might have to defer my loans AGAIN, and start asking my dad for money AGAIN, and then be stressed out and more miserable than I am now.
So the lesson I learned today, is take what comes your way and be happy you even have an opportunity to get out of debt, as opposed to drowning from it.
- Signed,


  1. I read this with heartache. I know that tinge of disappointment in self and that deep desire to SUCCEED. To prove to yourself that you CAN do it, accomplish your dreams and goals.

    BUT Marcieanna you have! You have overcome so much and will continue to climb this mountain of life and reach the summit! It may not be what you thought, but I have no doubt it will be good.

    I read this quote on a friends FB page and it encouraged me...I think that it is important to remember..."It is difficult to live in the present, ridiculous to live in the future and impossible to live in the past. Nothing is as far away as one minute ago."

    And another thing to think about....I don't think we should compromise our dreams for money...DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY, what makes you FULFILLED. We spend a lot of our lives working...so it is not worth doing something that doesn't bring joy to our lives.

    Hang in there friend! This life is a crazy ride...

    Your forever friend

  2. Annie said it best, but I would add that sometimes the waiting is part of the journey. You never know what connections, what opportunities you may have when you think you are in the wrong place.

    And I thought my favorite quote of all time may be very appropriate for you right now...

    "Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the question now. Perhaps then, some day far in the future, you will gradually without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."
    -Rainer Maria Rilke