I never thought that every dream I had, all the hard work I have done, all the success I have accomplished was leading up to this moment. Several days have passed and I have been absent from this blog, though everyday I was writing in my head. But life takes its toll on me and I have been struggling with depression, a very real depression as of late, which has mostly to do with where I am at in my 30's, where I am at as of today.
This past weekend my boyfriend asked my dad for my hand in marriage. My dad cried. But I became scared that I am not where I wished to be by the time I got married again. I haven't actually received myself the proposal and according to my boyfriend, it will not be for another few months.
The last year I have applying and interviewing for that PERFECT Hollywood job, meanwhile working of course and making the most money I have ever made. But I am no where near paying off all of my debt from 7 years of a bad marriage and 2 years of being a divorcee. It all adds up and slowly I am paying things off, but I have another four years of being bonded to debt.
That being said, I have just been offered by my current job a major raise, fantastic benefits and a great Retirement plan. But the job is in the OC, and as far as I'm concerned, it might as well be in the mid-west because as I have learned in the past, OC is another planet compared to Hollywood (maybe that's how Planet Hollywood got its name).
No offense to the OC, please, but I never could do there what I do and have done here in LA/Hollywood. And to go back to a FT job in the OC makes me feel like I failed in accomplishing my dreams. And yet, I keep saying I want to be a grown up and learn from my past mistakes. Well that means, maybe I should take the job that is going to get me out of debt so I can be free again to enjoy marriage when I do actually get marriage, and so I can be free to take any position in Hollywood that would bring me closer to my dreams.
Right now, if I had been offered one of those Hollywood jobs for which I interviewed, I would be making half of what I am making now and probably couldn't pay all my bills. I might have to defer my loans AGAIN, and start asking my dad for money AGAIN, and then be stressed out and more miserable than I am now.
So the lesson I learned today, is take what comes your way and be happy you even have an opportunity to get out of debt, as opposed to drowning from it.