Sunday, May 30, 2010

When Breathing Doesn't Work

For the 5 of you that follow this blog...

I posted earlier in the week about breathing and how I am trying to use the breathing to get me through it all. But lets be honest sometimes (or a lot of the time) it just doesn't work! So what does one do in these times? I am not sure what all of you do but I take Xanex! That sweet little pill that calms the pulse, quiets the brain, and brings on relaxation. Hey, I have no shame in my dependency on this white pill. I have been taking it for about 5 years...yes that would be about how long I've been a mother. The pill has become apart of the daily routine of survival here in the Schiefer household, much like coffee, TV, and tequila. I will skip brushing my teeth (don't judge) but I will NEVER miss swallowing my sweet little friend.

All of this to say that yesterday the fam and I went to meet some friends up in Costa Mesa for dinner. I admit I was feeling pretty anxious most of the day, so before we left I took a half of xanex to just calm the spirits. Usually I don't take the little man during the day, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. When the twins have run wild and smeared poo all over their rooms, or the baby has only taken a 30 minute nap, or you haven't showered, your face is erupting like a volcano, you haven't shaved in a week and it's 80 degrees and all you want to do is wear shorts but instead end up in dirty jeans you might need some relief. I am just saying, these things can drive a person crazy. So I reached for the pill bottle and took my relief. I was feeling good. I was feeling calm and I was breathing. Anyhow, we get to the restaurant and Hubs asks me to order, gladly I say. Then while in line he brings me one of the kids and says she needs to go to the bathroom....I look at him with the look of "So, take her!" Instead he gives me the look of, "I don't want to." So I relent and take her. I come out of the bathroom to see him ordering food...fine I think, I hope he knows what he is doing. Long story longer, it wasn't right and I was pissed. There he is sitting with his lovely dinner watching me lug the kids, the highchair and myself across the room to get everyone eating. After 13 years together I guess he still doesn't know what I like OR don't like to eat (HELLO I DON'T EAT MOLDED CHEESE!)

I admit I coped an attitude. I did, I was a bit bitchy. But deal....Instead he lobed this one at me, "Maybe you need to take some Xanex and calm down!" I reply oh so calmly, "I already did dear before we came." He laughed, the friends laughed (very uncomfortably), and I felt vindicated. Why? Because even the Xanex cannot protect him from the bitch inside his wife when he annoys her!

Annie, the Xanex taking bitch


  1. Hi AM…
    Wow – you put yourself out there and that was brave. I started writing a response message to you on Facebook, but it gave me errors and eventually wouldn't send. I took this as a sign that I should just respond on here. But I’m nervous as hell.
    I’ve learned the hard way (over. and over. and over.) that being too open makes it easy for people to hurt you. Yet, I continue to do it because I don’t really know how else to be. Now I try to use more discretion, and hope for the best.
    You’re being open, so I will too. Sounds like a plan. I’m talking myself into this as I type.
    I haven’t been in your place before but I think I understand how you feel. I have a laundry list of reasons why I won’t touch any prescription meds, but it’s mainly due to rough experiences. (Both my mom and ex-husband are notorious with the meds, the roller coaster was about 15 years long). That said, I understand anxiety. I didn’t even know what it was I was experiencing until a few years ago, when it finally stopped.
    I tried pot for the first time when I was 29 years old. (Hehe. What a nerd.) Unfortunately, it was also with an ex-boyfriend who turned out to be as typical as the stereotypes come: full of life, vigor, promise, potential, blah, blah, no ambition, whiney, let me work my ass off while he ‘freelanced’. The sex was great, the relationship was a 5 out of 10…not awful, but utterly frustrating. He couldn’t execute. As in, he never got things DONE. This, of course, was not helped by his pot habit. Alex = Typical Stoner. Jeeeez, that sucked to realize. But I didn’t throw pot out, even though it could’ve pinned as the fall-guy in that situation. But it wasn’t, it came down to choices and follow-though.
    Anyway. I’m rambling. (I value context far too much, always hoping by background will tell the story for me. I fumble my words like an over-eager juggler, spilling them all over the page.)
    What I mean to say is that every person has their trials and chooses how best to deal with it. Literally, to each their own. Some are able to handle it (you – me), some cannot (my ex husband – my mom – we all know someone). I don’t take Xanax for personal reasons but I continue to smoke pot. I saw that even though it might affect others poorly, I manage just fine. My anxiety is nil, I spend a lot more time in meditation (which likely has an equally calming affect) and it actually makes me more productive when I have quiet and a project. My design work is more focused and I paint/sing/write more often. It sounds so cliché (!). I don’t experience any of the side effects I was nervous about, and I’m a happier person in general. I have a medical card. About five people on this entire planet know about it, and none of them are related to me. The family is not close and not understanding about these sorts of things. I have NO idea why I want to tell you this…but I suppose I don’t like feeling alone in it. Sharing is good, right?? =)
    Can you get out during the week? We should meet for drinks sometime and talk our faces off. I know I need to get out more often. It’s so RARE.

  2. Pegg-
    Wow, thanks for sharing and feeling so comfortable with me to do that. This blog has been really good for me to be totally open and honest about where I am at and what I am feeling and thinking. God, things change as we get older. Perspective changes...hopefully we become more focused and centered in ourselves and in our lives. At least that is what I am crossing my fingers for.

    That being said I think you should have no shame at all in what you use to relax! Hell, I use the xanex to cope. I know MANY people that cannot handle the prescriptions and have had many ill side effects, but for me it is working for the time being. As for pot, I have family that partake and swear by the calming effects (they deal with anxiety and it has really helped them). I also realized a couple years back that a lot of the people I know (more than I ever realized) smoke. It wasn't an addiction, or a "gateway drug" for them, rather it was merely their "glass of wine" at the end of the day. Life can be overwhelming and we all do what we can to make it through the days, to me it is all about balance...if you can find that then you got it! You can handle whatever is thrown at you. I am still looking for that balance...

    And, yes I would love to get together!!!! I will message you my number and we can set something up!


    BTW: Honestly, In the next 10 years pot is going to be legal and will be as common as xanex. Maybe then I will give it a try. *wink*