The Story of My Life

"He talked a lot about the past and I gathered that he wanted to recover something, some idea of himself perhaps, that had gone into loving daisy. His life had been confused and disordered since then, but if he could once return to a certain starting place and go over it all slowly he could find out what that thing was....

Thirty - the promise if a decade of lonliness, a thinnig lists of single[s] to know...Be wise never to carry well-forgotten dreams from age to age...

Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter- tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms further... And one fine morning---
Sober best on, board against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."

The Great Gatsby p117

.... this excerpt is the story of my life

What do I want to recover?
Why do I go back so often?
These letters, photos, memoirs...
.... it does confuse and make me feel disordered when I start to go back in time. I feel like I lost part of myself along the way. I was such a driven young woman. I was out to conquer the world. Anything I set my mind to I achieved...and I do mean anything...and then ... what happened? Was it that I never had the potential? Is it that I got married too young and then divorced too late? Is it because I'm not smart enough?

I prided myself on being so driven, only to look at myself in the mirror now and be ashamed of who I am. What happened to me? Could I perhaps find the answer by going back to those early days, when something could have happened that planted a seed. Is this the fruition of that seed...where I am today? Today... a nothing....a 30 something who amounted to nothing...

I sit at a desk all day long and write emails, schedule meetings and plan travel... while other bright young women, pass me by. While I meet several successful, career women just a few years older, I plan the life of someone successful, who isn't me.

But I need to move on....not go backwards in time. I can change the future. I can't change the past. And therefore, I am going to learn to be wise, and not carry "well-forgotten dreams from age to age". I'm going to take advantage of the past for good. I'm going to use it to my advantage. God is in control but he's given me freedom, and I'm going to use that to write another story...The story of my life.

Signed,
Marcieanna

BE

I'm too alone in the world, yet not alone enough
to make each hour holy.
I'm too small in the world, yet not small enough
to be simply in your presence, like a thing—
just as it is.

From the Book of Hours I, 13

From A Year with Rilke

I have been absent for some time on the blog. I am going to try and get back into it. Here are several things bouncing around in my mind. Also a short update of life at present.

(borrowing from my good friend Sassy Sap, I compiled a list for you)

1. Learning to be mindful of life--pain and pleasure

2. On a vegetarian diet

3. Going to start taking care of myself: vitamins, better eating, exercise

4. I'm addicted to Twitter

5. Going to get a tattoo. Now in the process of designing and deciding on placement. 

6. Feel at one with my straight hair...like it is who I am!

I hope you are all well and I'm  hopeful for a summer full of sun, beach, good books, writing and continued growth.

Cheers,

Annie

 

Thirty-Three and Me

Today is my Birthday! Hurray! Woot! Hollar!
ummmmmm....I think I'm happy about turning 33?

I really don't feel extremely happy or depressed about it. I just am. After having kids birthdays don't seem so special for me anymore. And after your milestone years of 21 and 30 there's not much to look forward to except 40! AND THAT is something I DO NOT want to think about yet.

Though I feel complacent about turning 33, I am looking forward to my weekend escape. Under the guise of "birthday weekend" I'm ditching the laundry, broom, apron, minivan and kids for an airplane headed to San Francisco! Visiting my baby brother and enjoying one of the more amazing cities in the USA. The last time I spent any significant time in the City was three years ago with "my girls" for our 30th birthday. THAT was a trip I will NEVER forget....

Now three years deep into the 30's, a little wiser and more self confidant I return to the City to see family, friends and enjoy all she has to offer. I relish these escapes I get from life...vacations...get-a-ways....time off. I hold them close and count the minutes until the next time.

So cheers and I'll see you when I return!

Signed,
Annie

Jealous

I jealously look at you and your seeming freedom.
The confidence in which you walk and talk about religion, art...life.
Effortlessly converse about non-esistance.
You travel from here to there without a care.

I jealously want to be you for a time. See the world as you see her.
With an eye of wonder and delight.
Grasping for understanding from those that can't quite explain.
Throw your inhibitions out the window and stand in the rain, naked.

I jealously admire you. The path you chose was not an easy one.
You reached the end with scars, they are beautiful.
How did you survive? Where did you find the strength?
Up and back again traversing the open fields of life.

I jealously love you.


-Annie

Absent

I know I have not written in sometime. Life got busy. Between the kids, house work, and work-work  I'm not finding a lot of time to sit and write. I'm missing it and feeling an itching to do so....
Of course today I am already running out of time!!! So I post this song that has been a great comfort as of late.









I'm learning to tear the walls down....turn the gun away from myself (meaning stopping the beating-myself-up-for-every-little-mistake mindset).


Until I have time to write again......


Don't let your soul get lonely, child..
it's only time; it will go by.
Don't look for love in faces, places —
it's in you; that's where you'll find kindness.

Signed,

Annie

Judgement

Allow your judgments their own undisturbed development, which, like any unfolding, must come from within and can by nothing be forced or hastened. Everything is gestation and then birth. To allow each impression and each embryo of a feeling to complete itself in the dark, in the unsayable, the not-knowing, beyond the reach of one's own understanding, and humbly and patiently to await the dawning of a new clarity: that alone is the way of the artist—in understanding as in creating.

~ Rainer Maria Rilke

Viareggio, April 23, 1903

Letters to a Young Poet

I've shared of this poet, Rainer Maria Rilke, before and again his words move me. I read this and froze with the quiet peace that comes from understanding. That kind of understanding that you already knew somewhere in your soul but had yet to put words to. 

It is funny because just yesterday I was speaking with a friend about judgement, righteous anger, opinion, and the process of finding who you are. No conclusion was discovered in that conversation other than it is a process to self  and other acceptance. Then  when reading what Rilke had to say especially here:"...allow each impression and each embryo of a feeling to complete itself in the dark, in the unsayable, the not-knowing, beyond reach of one's own understanding..." To allow ones self this slow process of understanding; like the way an embryo slowly takes 9 months to grow to a baby that is then birthed with pain into LIFE drew deep and meaningful imagery for me. (difficult to explain in words, but easily felt as a mother)

Then again he prods us to "patiently await the dawning of a new clarity..." This habit of patience is to be practiced and valued above the harshness that we are shown and taught from this a young age. In this aggressive and fast-paced world of competition, dark judgement, and self rejection it is a challenge to slow to the quiet patience Rilke speaks of. To suspend judgement and let it form in you quietly, this is what I want to practice.

Slowing to understanding and creating,

Annie

Look

When I decided to change my hair, I had no idea how much it would actually alter my appearance and my feelings of self. We as woman are always thinking of our look. Clothes, make-up but mostly HAIR. It is our "crown of glory"that can alter our appearance most dramatically I think. A week ago I took a brave step and got my hair straightened...the Brazilian blowout. Nervous, I was not sure what to expect. My long curly locks might withstand the chemical treatment and I could end up looking like a frizzy chia-pet. Or would I hate the straight locks and cry over the loss of my signature curls? Would everyone look at me in horror? Did I care what anyone thought? No, not really. I was doing this for myself. I had landed a new job, was making my own money and I wanted a treat. I had given up going to a real salon for 4 years. I had stopped pampering myself in this way, partly because of money, but more of a way of self punishment. Self-sacrafice that I thought was necessary to be the unfussy demure woman. All it did was make me feel like shit. I stopped feeling sexy, stylish, and cute. So there I was getting my "hair-did" and I really didn't care how it turned out I was embracing the process and excited for the results.

 Here I am the day of! I couldn't stop smiling. I looked in the mirror and saw someone different....I saw the diva within.

Everything felt new...my clothes, my glasses, my make-up....ME. I felt fresh and free! This was LIBERATING. Who would have thought that getting rid of the curls would feel so damn good!?

It seems now that letting go of the old Annie hairstyle was fitting....it represented letting go of the old Annie too.  These past two years have been tumultuous..a growing time for me. An evolution of me. Now I slowly and tentatively walk into my new self.

Let's see where it leads....

Signed,

Annie