Raging Storm

The rain pours down hard. The sky lost its blue beauty and rushed to grey all to quickly, I didn't even have time to say goodbye. I started to feel a bit reflective...

Lately I've been forced to confront the central issue of what this blog has become: Life Does Not Turn Out Like You Planned. We all grow up with dreams and hopes. Constructing visions of what our lives will be like. Some of which are created from desire, but at the same time greatly influenced by what society tells us we 'should' desire. Then we move forward and make choices. We follow a path laid before us. And then LIFE....boom...we are living it.  We are on a path built out of part choice. I say part, because do we REALLY truly choose our lives or are they chosen for us? (Well at least up to a certain point. Meaning I didn't choose to have a divorced family. I didn't choose my religious upbringing, etc. You get where I am going.) How do you reconcile when the life you lead does not match up to the life you imagined and created in your dreams? Isn't that one of the big questions we all have? Isn't that where the tension of life lies? For me it is, and maybe for you too.

What do we do with that tension? I have no idea.
What I do know is this. I choose to start taking control of my life choices. I choose to find happiness where ever I can. I realize I must work through my past in the present. I cannot live in the 'what if', regret, or in the promises of the future. I must grasp the moment I am in. I must embrace who I was and who I have become. The truth is that I would not be ME without the past and the present.

As the storm rages on outside my window and I meditate under the glow of this computer screen, I take joy in knowing the storm inside me just might be calming.

Signed
Annie

Howl

Recently I watched the movie Howl. I initially was drawn to watch because of James Franco, my new actor crush. Then I read that it was about one of our great American poets, Allen Ginsberg. Over the last year or so I have started to read a bit of the beat writers....I find them fascinating and intriguing. The freedom of their voice, the fluid way in which they wrote, thought, lived. Admittedly I am not one that leans to the creative. I also don't have a long history or knowledge of literature. I want to learn more and soak it all in. (There are days I wish that I had paid more attention to what I found interesting in my younger days. Let my impulse and interest direct me more than my obligations and perceived expectations. Then I may have become a student of the world. Though, NOW I can do that...)  All that to say that after watching the movie I wrote. Nothing thought out but released. As Ginsberg explains, from the inside....

Letting go

Letting be

Letting live

Realizations met, expectations lost.

Stand and stare.

Fleeing from me....pushed out. Grief that there is no longer pain and sadness. 

Escaped like a vapor.

Window from inside I glare. Letting go of...

Da-Da-Da-Da

Life goes---movement---flow

grabbing the moment, expressing it, holding it. 

Da-Da-Da-Da

Rolling and moving. 

They create. The live. They watch and move.

Obligation to none.

Da-Da-Da-Da

Letting go.

Letting be.

Letting in.

Push.

Pull.

I look out the window beyond that ivy wall. There lives life.

Vapors. Away.

No longer there and thats why I cry.

No longer sorry. 

The comfort.

The crow flew over. He has been absent.

Talk and fly.

Da-Da-Da-Da

Beyond the ivy wall the crow lived and moved.

Da-Da-Da-Da

Life goes on all around.

Obligation or impulse?

Both.

I Howl to no one. I Howl from within. The place that neither crow, nor man, nor woman has seen or heard.

Frightening myself.

My feelings flee from me. Consume me.

A vapor beyond the ivy wall.

Same. Same. Same. Same. Same. Same.

Da. Da. Da. Da. Da.

Beyond the ivy wall.

The same here. There. Everywhere. Same. Stir the noodles.

Cry. Pray. Wake. Sleep. Pray. Cry. We're the same.

Vapors of feelings standing behind windows. Feeling.

Push and pull.

Pull. Obligations pull.

Push. Impulse pushes.

Da. Da. Same. Same. Da. Da.

Letting go. 

Letting be.

Letting live.

Beyond the ivy wall I want to be.

There is a howl from inside I feel stir in me frequently. I have not identified exactly what it means to me or my life but I am starting to listen and express its sentiments.

As my ipod rolled songs this one came on....aptly titled "Howl."

Signed,

Annie

A few random thoughts today...

Will regret ever go away? All of my family is in San Francisco moving my brother and his girlfriend into their new home together. These 25-year-old kids forging out on their own makes me long for those days after college where the world was my playground...the possibilities endless... It also brings up my old friend, regret. The hindsight of wishing I had done things different back then. Chose another path. But what can you do? Nothing. The reality is I live where I am and I am who I am because of the path I chose. Now what am I going to do with it? Keep traveling? Find another road? Not sure. For now I am holding strong. Looking deep within and finding strength and confidence I never knew I had.

Does therapy work? I've been in therapy on and off for 11 years. Sure it has helped me clarify many issues in my past and has helped me reframe thing currently in my life. BUT is it effective in breaking unhealthy patterns in a relationship? Basically, my therapist told me no this week. He thinks you can find the humor in the patterns, learn to laugh about  yourself and your partner. Not in a negative way but in such a manner as not to take yourself or the relationship too serious. I guess I am going to try this. I may be too serious of a person. *sarcastic laugh*

Does sexting make things HOT? YES. BUT look out cause the man on the other end is going to want it when he gets home! It's all fun and games until you actually have to put out. AND look out if you both have iphone 4 because things get interesting with face time. I will leave it at that.

Signed,
Annie