This journey of life is all consuming. There are times of bliss and hate. Of naivety and compliance. You run the spectrum in a lifetime. Some handle life well and with grace. Others muddle through. I fall into the later group. For much of my short 32 years in this life I have followed. I complied to what was told and expected. I performed like a trained dog in a circus, jumping thru hoops and jumping over obstacles. I was good at doing it too. I blended well and fit in, I conformed. I lived what I thought was an existence of happiness, until everything changed....One year ago I sat in a spa and wept. I had no idea why. My mind was blank, absent of thought or emotion. I had been in therapy for 10+ years and had never wept like this. I felt disconnected from life...people, my husband, my children. I was unhappy and didn't know why. Fuck, I had a handsome man who was successful, 2.5 children (dog included), a huge house, a fancy car, beautiful friends, boobs, and the appearance of PERFECT. Fuck, I was living the American Dream! What the hell did I have to complain about? Nothing. Not one god damn thing. But still I found myself there....
Now after a year I am taking control. Of life and emotion. I am learning to own who I am and what I am,what I may become. How I may fail. How I WILL succeed. Once, someone told me about the story of the lotus......a flower that thrives in the muck....comes out of ugliness to become something beautiful and spectacular. That is what this year has been. I am not there....I may never get there, but it is what I strive for. To find beauty within...and in others...and in the difficulty of life, of mundane....in the challenge...in the serenity and peace that we sometimes find in quiet moments. Possible? I sure hope so. That's where I am headed. Deep breaths, acceptance of love and a determination to break the cycle of self loathing. This is where I go this year.....
Signed,
Annie
