Empty

The move is here. We've cleaned and purged, sold furniture, given away half a garage full of "stuff", and have packed up the rest. It's been rough at times, especially during Thanksgiving. I had to really dig deep within myself to find the strength to make it through this. I sit here and type and am surprised at the emotions that are still bubbling below the surface. I have taken this move much harder than I thought I would.  I did it though. With the help of xanex and a few beloved friends I have made it to the end...just about to it. And with Sara Bareilles as my soundtrack.. thank you to Amy, Jmama and Sassy for recommending her album. The heart and soul of her music has pulled me through this dark time.

Even though I have cried more times than I can count or care to admit. Even though I have times of breaking down in my closet hiding from the world. Even though I am clinging to every memory of this home and this time in SC I have found hope. Just a bit of hope that on the other side I will find more hope, strength and endurance. I know that God has more for me and my family. I can find a safe haven. I can keep looking for that strength that lies deep within me...the warrior princess!

Signed,
Annie Xena Princess

BTW: I plan to look like her after I institute my work out plan!

I love :: I hate

Two crazy people I know have inspired me to compile a list. They like to make lists on their blog [[that I not ashamed to say that I stalk.]]  So I said to myself, "Self, you can do that too!" So here we go....






A few things on my mind lately...


I LOVE_____
1. When I get it right
2. When I can inspire the kiddos to learn by doing simple art projects. This then makes them think that I am brilliant.
3. When I am brilliant.
4. Silence. Early morning just before dawn and late night when the house creaks under the pressure of darkness.
5. Working.
6. My kiddos voices. (Not "pretend" voice because that tends to be shrill and annoying. Find this as #3 below)
7. Learning.
8. Hearing the baby laugh and then fart at the same time.
9. When FB posts make me laugh out loud...literally! (Thank you Kid and Sassy)
10. Keeping this list to 10.

I HATE_____
1. Missed opportunities.
2. Poopy pants.
3. Shrill voices, like nails on a chalkboard.
4. Drivers in their oversized SUV's...wait I am one of those people. Does this mean I hate myself? Hmmm?
5. Stubbing my toes, which happens ALL the time. I'm surprised I still have all 10.
6. Glenn Beck.
7. When my hair is frizzy. When my hair is dry. When hair grows in unwanted areas. (like those two on my chin) Ugh. I hate hair!
8. Feeling inadequate and disrespected.
9. Laundry or any other chore that requires my attention on a daily basis.
10. Being disorganized.


Side Note: I have been off my blog for a few weeks trying to assimilate into working, school, and fall busy mode so I know I neglected you. But I am back. Going to try and keep up with at least one post a week. You know what they say..."one post a week with keep the mental illness away." Of course we all know that xanex, lexapro, tequila and wine actually are the real things that keep the crazies away, but blogging about my mundane life helps too.

Signed,
Annie

When Breathing Doesn't Work

For the 5 of you that follow this blog...

I posted earlier in the week about breathing and how I am trying to use the breathing to get me through it all. But lets be honest sometimes (or a lot of the time) it just doesn't work! So what does one do in these times? I am not sure what all of you do but I take Xanex! That sweet little pill that calms the pulse, quiets the brain, and brings on relaxation. Hey, I have no shame in my dependency on this white pill. I have been taking it for about 5 years...yes that would be about how long I've been a mother. The pill has become apart of the daily routine of survival here in the Schiefer household, much like coffee, TV, and tequila. I will skip brushing my teeth (don't judge) but I will NEVER miss swallowing my sweet little friend.

All of this to say that yesterday the fam and I went to meet some friends up in Costa Mesa for dinner. I admit I was feeling pretty anxious most of the day, so before we left I took a half of xanex to just calm the spirits. Usually I don't take the little man during the day, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. When the twins have run wild and smeared poo all over their rooms, or the baby has only taken a 30 minute nap, or you haven't showered, your face is erupting like a volcano, you haven't shaved in a week and it's 80 degrees and all you want to do is wear shorts but instead end up in dirty jeans you might need some relief. I am just saying, these things can drive a person crazy. So I reached for the pill bottle and took my relief. I was feeling good. I was feeling calm and I was breathing. Anyhow, we get to the restaurant and Hubs asks me to order, gladly I say. Then while in line he brings me one of the kids and says she needs to go to the bathroom....I look at him with the look of "So, take her!" Instead he gives me the look of, "I don't want to." So I relent and take her. I come out of the bathroom to see him ordering food...fine I think, I hope he knows what he is doing. Long story longer, it wasn't right and I was pissed. There he is sitting with his lovely dinner watching me lug the kids, the highchair and myself across the room to get everyone eating. After 13 years together I guess he still doesn't know what I like OR don't like to eat (HELLO I DON'T EAT MOLDED CHEESE!)

I admit I coped an attitude. I did, I was a bit bitchy. But deal....Instead he lobed this one at me, "Maybe you need to take some Xanex and calm down!" I reply oh so calmly, "I already did dear before we came." He laughed, the friends laughed (very uncomfortably), and I felt vindicated. Why? Because even the Xanex cannot protect him from the bitch inside his wife when he annoys her!

-Signed
Annie, the Xanex taking bitch