?

I feel the need to write, yet I don't seem to have much to say. I am coming off a difficult two weeks (see above post). I am in the midst of preparing for a busy fall with school for the kids, their activities, my work, and house chores. Then the holidays are practically around the corner. Life seems to move too fast these days. I can't keep up or seem to get everything done that I want to. When did it all start to become such a rush all the time? The hurry up anxiety of life...

A few things on my mind of late...(1) My twins are becoming their own people. They don't rely on me like they once did. I am proud of that. On the other hand I am sad that they are moving forward...one day they will be adults, I will be older and with a few more grey hairs, they will be having adventures and living life and I will quietly wait to hear from them. In some ways I want to freeze them and their brains in this moment of their innocence. (2) Do we need all the shit we have? I recently read an article about the founder of Toms shoes, Blake Mycoskie. In it he spoke about how he sold most of his personal belongings and his home and moved onto a boat. He wanted a simpler life. I am feeling that I need that in my life...(3) Why is that when some things are going so well in your life other areas start suffering? Is this because I can't find balance? The juggling of roles, duties, and self are difficult. I am not sure I am very good at it. Honestly, when working one of my areas that always needed improvement was multi-tasking. BUT, now after three kids I think I am getting better at it. (though I admit that the laundry, dishes, closets always seem to suffer from a constant state of NEEDING TO BE DONE/ORGANIZED). (4) I need to start taking better care of myself. I am good at reminding others that they need to love and take care of their bodies, but I don't listen to my own advice. When I am stressed or depressed or on the rag I don't bother to wash my face, eat right, take vitamins, exercise...pretty much I just mope around. I want to start eating more raw veggies and fruit. I want to get my garden back in shape so I can harvest more of our own. Maybe even start composting. (5) Time to myself I need more and more. I have taken a job and that gives me something to do outside of my family. Now I need to carve out sometime to think...I only get a few minutes each day while going to the bathroom (and that is interrupted a lot of the time by little people). A few weeks back I took two hours to go sit at the beach and just listen, look, write. It was healing and it was refreshing. Somehow I need more of that. Possibly taking a run in the early hours of morning is when I should do it...

Overall I want to try and slow down. To embrace the small moments. To plan but still be spontaneous. Try to let go of anxiety and worry about the future. Let myself be who I am and what I am in the moment I am living...

Signed
Annie

Break

The past 5 days I have been preparing for a trip to a wedding in the bay area. I have been cleaning the house (5 bedrooms is no small task. This alone has taken every day chipping away at the endless dirt that accumulates daily), doing load after load of laundry, organizing all the children's shit so my family can find what they need, and prepping the kids for my absence. Each day we have talked about Mommy's trip and how she will be gone for 3 days. We have had to discuss "good behavior", "good choices", being kind, using manners, the appropriate place to go potty (not in our pants, jammies, or out on the lawn), how to help Auntie find everything she needs. I have also spent a few hours preparing the schedule for the kids, writing out a medical release form, copy my insurance card in case of emergency, printing the itinerary etc. Blah, blah, blah. I mean fuck, when did it become so hard to travel? The answer is simple, when I had KIDS, not just two, but three!!! One that is still in diapers and on a schedule! ARGH.

I can say at this point that it is exhausting! When do I pack or get myself prepped? Well, that would be between the hours of 9 to 12pm. Mixed with the frustration of preparing for this relatively quick trip away is a BIG dose of GUILT! Each time I have had to have the above conversation with the kids I feel so guilty about wanting a BREAK and wanting to LEAVE. I am consumed about getting away...to have an adult weekend...to interact with ONLY adults...to only worry about myself. I know, I know I do get to leave more than a lot of parents. So that is where the guilt kicks in. I guess I am not as strong as most moms seeing that I NEED a break so frequently. Or possibly I am still clinging to the past...the days of being kid-less? I am not sure. Here is what I do know, I honestly think I am a better mom when I get these times to leave. I can feel myself coming back up to the surface and am reminded that I am not lost in the piles of laundry and housework.

So cheers, I will see you when I get back from The City.

Signed,

Annie