Weepy Days

It's been one of those emotional roller coaster days. (I've written about that before on here). I think for me writing about a bad day helps it seem less powerful. It helps me to take back control. I like control. When I feel that I am not in control of myself or my emotions...I have a hard time. I cannot think straight, write straight, or focus.

Today started just like any other day...early morning wake-up, coffee, kids complaining. I was hopeful for a  good day. Then those little rascals started in on me...the nagging, complaining and fighting. By 12:30 pm I had lost it. We had been to the doctors where I had to my EXTREME embarrassment the kid had a HUGE shart in his pants during his exam. Then he threw a complete and utter fit over his shots. On the way out we stopped at the bathroom and he pissed. No poo, just piss (this is important to note as the later part of this story this is a key point).

We then hit my LEAST favorite place on this green earth, Walmart. Besides my  utter disdain for this god forsaken store we had to get a bunch of stuff for our impending trip. While in the store the kids fight, bounce on and off the cart all while the baby trys to climb out of her restraint. The boy again makes a trip to the bathroom in the middle of shopping. (Again only piss. This while I had a fully cart of shit and a baby and another kid to worry about. I did what I never have...sent him in alone to the restroom. I just could not handle unloading everyone. He said he had no poop.) By the time we get to the car I realize he has another shart, so I proceed to clean him up in the car. This is not ideal...a 5 year old has a smelly butt!

Next we hit a local surf shop. This time I strapped the baby on. Let the twins follow me around in the store. Of course they decided to hide in the racks and run like idiots all around the store. Then the boy screamed that his poo was about to fall out his butt. In rushing him to the bathroom we left the girl. I get him on the toilet and leave him there to go find the girl. Of course she is weeping. I am sweating and stressed. We get back to the bathroom that is full of boxes and employee piss. The baby then takes her pacie out and chucks it into the mop bucket. (fuck that, I am not getting it). The boy takes his sweet time getting his log out. Finally, we get the shit out of the way.

Finally, we go to Costco. I had to buy so many large items I could not have the twins in the cart....NEVER again will I go there with them NOT in the cart. The entire time they fought. I even ran the boy over with the cart. The baby again tried to climb out. The checker reprimanded my brats for their bad behavior. I tried to breathe. My stress level was rising to a panic attack.

On the way home the screamed, yelled, and spit at each other. I in turn raised the volume of the radio. The baby screamed from hunger. She refused her snack and threw it in the car. Somehow that gave the twins permission to start chucking their food around the car. I SCREAMED to stop. They laughed. I again tried to breathe. By the time we were rolling up to the drive way they had unbuckled from the car seats....I FLIPPED. (note: NEVER, never have I ever yelled, screamed bloddy murder at my children before). I screamed, swear words and all at them. I sent them to their rooms, shut the doors, and threatened death if they came out. I left them there an hour.

I cried. I weeped. I just lost it. I had those terrible feelings of guilt. I had lost it. Completely lost it. What would they think of me? I cannot even control myself, how can I expect them to do it?

I finished the rest of the day crying here and there for all different reasons...a dropped utensil, not being able to reach my husband by phone...Then I went into critiquing my life...what a bad house keeper I am, how I don't love my kids enough, how I am fucking them up, why I should have never gone back to work, why I can't seem to handle motherhood...It just kept spiraling....Even now I sit here in the dark, drink in hand and tears flow....I am a mess.

I try, I try so hard and it never seems to be enough....

I apologized to the kids. I saw the sadness in their eyes... It broke my heart. Tonight I take a big deep breath and try to start again new tomorrow.

weepy,
Annie

PS. I am not going to proof read this post, sorry, I think it will be too hard to read over it.....

Weepy Annie

The "Witching-Shit-Spiral-Meltdown" Hour

There is a time in every day that happens when all things go to hell...It all crumbles to nothing. I am sure this happens in everyone's life. Back in my single/working days it was that last hour of the work day when the clock seemed to slow down and stop, when all I could do was stare at the seconds ticking by until I could run out of the four walls of my office. But now there is a whole new meaning to the "Witching Hour..."

3pm hits and the signs begin to show themselves...a scream, a punch in the face, or a jail break out the front door...the kids have become demons.  I take a deep breath and deal with the offender. I give myself a pat on the back for handling things so calmly. Then not even 5 minutes later another one of the demons creeps into the room and decides to throw a toy at the baby's head. Or maybe scream, "You are on my naughty list and I am not talking to you ever again!" I hit my limit at this point and blow my lid right off. No more calm and collected....I become one of the demons. I hate myself for this. I don't want to be irritated by the never ending "Mommy," "I need", "I want", or the all time most used word in this house "NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" The reality is I can only take so much and I do become irritated which then leads to an utter breakdown in the house. Everyone is tired and crying and we barely push through to make it to bed time. This happens pretty much happens each night. I usually crash at about 8pm on the couch with some kind of liquor and veg out, utterly exhausted...depleted and so wiped out I don't have the energy to even talk.

I wish that things were easier but the reality is this: Life is not easy. All you can do is embrace it all. Even in the times of chaos and meltdowns you have to take it all in. Nothing last forever and this stage will pass into something new (hopefully less irritating). For now, in the midst of the Shit Hour, I take a deep breath AND crack open a cold one. (Hey, you gotta survive the stage somehow! *hahahaha*)

Signed
Annie

Sometimes....I lock them out for just a moment of silence... *wink*

Weddings in your 30s

...was the title of an article in one of my Bridal magazines.

Beauty Tips:
Hide those wrinkles because they're starting to show.

Are you kidding me? Oh yeah! The magazine has all sorts of talk about ways to conceal those wrinkles and sun spots that are starting to show from those days in your teens and 20s when you could spend all day at the beach without sunscreen and still have perfect skin. In fact, i don't know about you but I always thought (and actually still think) that Vitamin D from the sun is good for my skin. Doesn't that mean that the longer I lay out, the less chance of a breakout?
And then there's the hair. Gone are the pretty curls cascading down your back, or wisping around from an updo. it's time for the classic, elegant, slick back (to show off all that concealer on your face, that's probably why they're seriously recommending it).

Bridesmaids:
Have less of them. Basically they say that by this time most of your friends have children and might not be able to get a sitter.
Choose dresses that will look good on friends who might be pregnant.

Wow, that kind of sucks. But I decided I'm only having two - my sister and my best friend of 25 years. Neither have kids and it would be cool if my sister is pregnant! She would love nothing more than to have a dress to show off she has a baby in her belly.

Wedding:
Destination Weddings. Chances are, they say, this is your second or third wedding and Mom and Dad are no longer paying for it. In this case, when the bride and groom have to fork out the money, combine it with the honeymoon. This will limit the guest list significantly, unless you have a bunch of friends and family who are dying to get out of town and your wedding is the perfect excuse.

That would be cool if my fiancee and I could even get off work for a long period of time. One thing they forgot to mention is how people in their 30s can't just go and take off on a long honeymoon if they have very demanding careers. In our industry, we are going to have to wait to take our honeymoon until the winter holidays when Hollywood literally shuts down. I've had producer friends hold off on their weddings because they were always traveling for business, to film festivals, for this premiere, that premier.  I've talked to other friends who got married and waited two years to have a reception. Really, these days, this age, and in this economy, etiquette goes out the wedding. Do what you can do.

Wow, I feel really old. To make it worse, they had articles for "Weddings in your 20s" and "Weddings in your 40s". I was so far off from the "20s" and not THAT far off from the "40s". Waaaahhh! But you know, it's true. As much as I want to have a party, I just cannot reason with saving thousands of dollars to put toward one day, when with that money I can pay down the debt I accrued from my first marriage. (What a mistake!) Even for my first wedding, I made the location far away to avoid having a ton of guests, and the wedding was still well over twenty grand. However, this is Brad's first wedding, and you think he was a girl, or sorry, "a woman in her 30s" the way he's been acting about it. He's concerned that the less guests we have, the less chances there are for registering for gifts. It's really not so much about the gifts themselves, as it is, he just wants to go shopping for our registries. Uh huh! Then there's the issue that he wants to invite his whole family and all his friends, and not to mention some co-workers. And he doesn't mind spending his hard-earned money. He's willing to spend his savings on this big day. He also wonders if, since i bought my wedding dress, if he now can go shopping for his tuxedo!!!! Yes, he wants to BUY one, since in the business we work, there are enough events to make it worth owing a tuxedo. I've even showed him the numbers it would cost us to have the guest list he proposes (which isn't even that high number-wise, but still) and he just shrugs and says, "Whatever you want..." after just saying, "Oh, but I have to invite so-and-so because he/she invited me to his/her wedding."

Despite all this, I have to say that there are two things that excite me about getting married in my 30s! I'm probably in the best shape ever and my dress looks ROCKIN' on me! And second, I'm marrying my first, true and real love! It feels like the first time because I feel mature enough and finally ready for a marriage and family.

Peace Out and wish me luck with my diva fiancee!

-
Signed,
Marcieanna Jasko