Empty

The move is here. We've cleaned and purged, sold furniture, given away half a garage full of "stuff", and have packed up the rest. It's been rough at times, especially during Thanksgiving. I had to really dig deep within myself to find the strength to make it through this. I sit here and type and am surprised at the emotions that are still bubbling below the surface. I have taken this move much harder than I thought I would.  I did it though. With the help of xanex and a few beloved friends I have made it to the end...just about to it. And with Sara Bareilles as my soundtrack.. thank you to Amy, Jmama and Sassy for recommending her album. The heart and soul of her music has pulled me through this dark time.

Even though I have cried more times than I can count or care to admit. Even though I have times of breaking down in my closet hiding from the world. Even though I am clinging to every memory of this home and this time in SC I have found hope. Just a bit of hope that on the other side I will find more hope, strength and endurance. I know that God has more for me and my family. I can find a safe haven. I can keep looking for that strength that lies deep within me...the warrior princess!

Signed,
Annie Xena Princess

BTW: I plan to look like her after I institute my work out plan!

On the Move

It has happened, we are one of those dreaded statistics out there that you hear about on NPR every morning. We are loosing our house and foreclosing because we have a dreaded ARM loan and our house is worth LESS than we owe on it. For two years we have tried to work with the bank to help us...applied for a home loan modifications, called them, researched federal programs, but the bank refuses to help. They want us to be diliquent on our loan and show financial distress. I guess that giving 70% of your income to your mortgage and draining your savings is not enough to prove that you need help. We tried to do things right and we kept paying the mortgage, yet apparently we should have just stopped. Well, that would have F'd our credit and how would we get qualified to move or buy a car (our car lease is up in March)? Now we find ourselves packing up 5 bedrooms, a 3 car garage..2,700 sq ft to move into 3 bedrooms and 2,000 sq ft. I am grateful for finding a house in a beautiful neighborhood. I am glad that it is one level and can fit my washer and dryer (many of the homes we looked at would not fit the high efficiency machines and I am quite attached to mine). I am excited about decorating with color. I am grateful to be up in civilization again...Newport/Costa Mesa. Yet, with all the positives I can't help but feel a dark could of sadness looming over me. I have started having panic attacks again. I find myself crying constantly. When one mother from school told me her son said he didn't want to go to Kindergarten next year because the twins would not be there I cried. When the twins closest little friend found out we were moving and went and sulked and stared out the window I cried. When I look around at my house...torn up and furniture gone I choke up and cry. I see the work and love we have put into this home I cry. Realizing that we will not be back on this PERFECT street, with loving and caring neighbors and friends I cry. The husband doesn't understand my "depression and mopieness" and thinks I should be excited about the new prospects of moving. That makes me cry more. Of course there are positives, as stated above, but now in these moment of transition I am mostly sad. Typing now I cry. Wiping tears away quickly so the little people won't see them. I try to be strong and happy for them. 

I'm going to miss my friends here. I am going to miss the kid's friends. I am going to miss my home. The holidays are going to be off. I dumped most of the decorations. I don't have the desire to celebrate. All I want to do is crawl in a hole and sleep through the whole season. Avoid all the happy people buying shit. Instead I will suck it up and be strong for the family...this is what I do.

Trying to stay strong,

Annie