Divorced people tell you that whether you were the broken-hearted, or the heart-breaker, it is never easy. Look at me, three years later and I'm still suffering with the pain, the hurt, the anger, the frustration- and I was the one who ASKED for the divorce!!! It makes no difference. You know why. Guilt. Guilt can kill you. And you know why else, because in some ways you are always committed to that person, in some way or another, even if it's a committment to insanity.
Yesterday would have made my 9 year wedding anniversary. And today I talked to the ex, fought with the ex more like it, the same fight we've been having since we broke up - about money. But actually, it's not me fighting, I just want to be done with it, it's him constantly calling and wanting to talk about the same thing. Is it a reason to talk to me, is it a reason to irk me? I don't know, but I thought by taking on a majority of the debt I would be able to just move on and struggle and suffer financially as penance for my sins. But apparently, the ex wants to make my debt still his business even though he's no longer liable. His name is off everything.
But a new fight has brewed. He insists I change my last name, his last name. Well, too, late, I needed to have done that during the divorce. Why didn't I then, I don't know, because too many people knew me by that last name, i had a resume built on that last name, and I just didn't think it was a big deal. Only now, THREE YEARS later, it has become a BIG DEAL. Fine, I changed my last name on my personal email account and on my Facebook account.
I had so much fun planned for tonight- new entertainment industry bible study at CBS, kickboxing afterward, and then salsa. But now I refuse to go anywhere or see anyone because I am emotionally taxed. It feels like I just left my ex yesterday. Seriously.
And I have no one really to talk to about this. I talk to my sister and she gets fired up that I need to take this back to court. I feel weird talking to my boyfriend for obvious reasons, but when i try, he gets distracted with work and next thing you know he's like, "what were you saying?" so then I hang up and shut off my phone entirely. SHUT OUT THE WORLD. If only I could...what...say it...run away...from everything and everyone...but i can't because debt keeps me here. Divorce and its consequences keep me here. I'm tied to the ex forever, I'm committed to this insanity forever, no matter how much I wanted to break away.
So there, I said it, marriage is in some ways forever.