Friday, May 14, 2010

Summer Time, UGH!

Hot weather is coming and when you live in a Southern California beach town like I do, that means you're going to start living in your bathing suit. Although I love the change to the warm weather and the long days spent on the sandy Pacific shore, I DREAD the bathing suit. Here are the following reasons. Now this is not just the bathing suite I hate, but the maintenance it takes to be a well groomed woman IN a bathing suit.

1) Hair Maintenance: Whether you are shaving, waxing, threading, or using an epi-lady to rid yourself of your forest it is a pain in the ass. The hair removal process must begin well before the day you are going to be sliding that bikini on. AND it is not just the legs that need to be maintained...the pits, the eye brows, upper lip and the dreaded bikini line. Added to this annoying maintenance is the MEXICAN dark haired curse that I have. This is when I have to start bleaching. Now I am going to be completely honest here, I have to bleach that fine hair that has started creeping up all over my body; arms, tummy, and back. TMI, I know, but in the spirit of the blog it is honest. I have dreams of having my entire body lazered or better yet have all my hair follicles somehow removed so I no longer grow ANY hair except on my head. Oh, I fantasize about this day throughout the entire summer. But until then I curse the hair gods while I grit my teeth and wax, thread, pluck and bleach religiously.

2) Skin Maintenance: We turn 30 and our skin changes for the worse. It suddenly starts getting dry and flaky. Wrinkles are showing and smile lines are getting deeper. Then there are those HORRIBLE sun spots that suddenly started rearing their ugly dark heads. I NEVER noticed I had these cheetah spots until after my kids. Now I must use glycolic peels, bleaching creams, and gobs of sunscreen to keep them at bay. I layer concealer and makeup up over them to try and hide 'em from the world. The warm summer months hit and I start really stressing. This is when they get dark and ugly. So before I even put my little finger out the door into the sunshine I MUST layer on the 65 sunscreen and the wide brimmed hat. Gone are the carefree days of the 20's when I baked in the rays of the sun and came out with golden sun-kissed skin. Here are the days of the matronly cover-ups, granny hats, and sunscreen.

3) Aunt Flo: This is that horrible time of month that hits right when you have your vacation to Cabo planned or your hot date at the beach with that guy from the coffee shop. Inevitably your period is going to hit hard...BLOAT, HEAVY rivers of blood, tampons being filled up to the brim each hour, cramps that radiate throughout your entire body, acne that blows up your face like a volcano, and that wonderful emotional roller coaster that is sure to make you question your sanity. Then there is the reoccurring nightmare that this will all happen while you are wearing your bikini. Who hasn't had that dreaded moment on the beach when you are sure, even convinced that your tampon string is hanging out? You know that EVERYONE has seen it there...the little white string popping out. Or how about the fear that the warm liquid you feel on your leg is not sweat but actually BLOOD from your vajaja? Your tampon has overflowed and it is dripping down your leg. This is the worst possible scenario, but I FEAR it every freaking time I put on that damn bathing suit when I am on the rag. I know that it is going to happen, one of these is going to happen, I just pray it is while I am in my backyard playing in the sprinklers with the kids.

So does this stop us from wearing the bathing suit? Well, no, but the stress it takes to get that thing on kills me a little more each year!

Annie (I still haven't worn mine this year)


  1. Ugh. I hear you. I counted and will be having a lovely visit from Aunt Flo during our trip to Hawaii this year.

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  3. @Pegg- Ok that is a GREAT and ingenious idea! I always try to squish it up into the lips! So next time I am trying your method! Thanks for the great advice!