Thirty-Three and Me

Today is my Birthday! Hurray! Woot! Hollar!
ummmmmm....I think I'm happy about turning 33?

I really don't feel extremely happy or depressed about it. I just am. After having kids birthdays don't seem so special for me anymore. And after your milestone years of 21 and 30 there's not much to look forward to except 40! AND THAT is something I DO NOT want to think about yet.

Though I feel complacent about turning 33, I am looking forward to my weekend escape. Under the guise of "birthday weekend" I'm ditching the laundry, broom, apron, minivan and kids for an airplane headed to San Francisco! Visiting my baby brother and enjoying one of the more amazing cities in the USA. The last time I spent any significant time in the City was three years ago with "my girls" for our 30th birthday. THAT was a trip I will NEVER forget....

Now three years deep into the 30's, a little wiser and more self confidant I return to the City to see family, friends and enjoy all she has to offer. I relish these escapes I get from life...vacations...get-a-ways....time off. I hold them close and count the minutes until the next time.

So cheers and I'll see you when I return!

Signed,
Annie

Jealous

I jealously look at you and your seeming freedom.
The confidence in which you walk and talk about religion, art...life.
Effortlessly converse about non-esistance.
You travel from here to there without a care.

I jealously want to be you for a time. See the world as you see her.
With an eye of wonder and delight.
Grasping for understanding from those that can't quite explain.
Throw your inhibitions out the window and stand in the rain, naked.

I jealously admire you. The path you chose was not an easy one.
You reached the end with scars, they are beautiful.
How did you survive? Where did you find the strength?
Up and back again traversing the open fields of life.

I jealously love you.


-Annie

Absent

I know I have not written in sometime. Life got busy. Between the kids, house work, and work-work  I'm not finding a lot of time to sit and write. I'm missing it and feeling an itching to do so....
Of course today I am already running out of time!!! So I post this song that has been a great comfort as of late.









I'm learning to tear the walls down....turn the gun away from myself (meaning stopping the beating-myself-up-for-every-little-mistake mindset).


Until I have time to write again......


Don't let your soul get lonely, child..
it's only time; it will go by.
Don't look for love in faces, places —
it's in you; that's where you'll find kindness.

Signed,

Annie

Judgement

Allow your judgments their own undisturbed development, which, like any unfolding, must come from within and can by nothing be forced or hastened. Everything is gestation and then birth. To allow each impression and each embryo of a feeling to complete itself in the dark, in the unsayable, the not-knowing, beyond the reach of one's own understanding, and humbly and patiently to await the dawning of a new clarity: that alone is the way of the artist—in understanding as in creating.

~ Rainer Maria Rilke

Viareggio, April 23, 1903

Letters to a Young Poet

I've shared of this poet, Rainer Maria Rilke, before and again his words move me. I read this and froze with the quiet peace that comes from understanding. That kind of understanding that you already knew somewhere in your soul but had yet to put words to. 

It is funny because just yesterday I was speaking with a friend about judgement, righteous anger, opinion, and the process of finding who you are. No conclusion was discovered in that conversation other than it is a process to self  and other acceptance. Then  when reading what Rilke had to say especially here:"...allow each impression and each embryo of a feeling to complete itself in the dark, in the unsayable, the not-knowing, beyond reach of one's own understanding..." To allow ones self this slow process of understanding; like the way an embryo slowly takes 9 months to grow to a baby that is then birthed with pain into LIFE drew deep and meaningful imagery for me. (difficult to explain in words, but easily felt as a mother)

Then again he prods us to "patiently await the dawning of a new clarity..." This habit of patience is to be practiced and valued above the harshness that we are shown and taught from this a young age. In this aggressive and fast-paced world of competition, dark judgement, and self rejection it is a challenge to slow to the quiet patience Rilke speaks of. To suspend judgement and let it form in you quietly, this is what I want to practice.

Slowing to understanding and creating,

Annie

Look

When I decided to change my hair, I had no idea how much it would actually alter my appearance and my feelings of self. We as woman are always thinking of our look. Clothes, make-up but mostly HAIR. It is our "crown of glory"that can alter our appearance most dramatically I think. A week ago I took a brave step and got my hair straightened...the Brazilian blowout. Nervous, I was not sure what to expect. My long curly locks might withstand the chemical treatment and I could end up looking like a frizzy chia-pet. Or would I hate the straight locks and cry over the loss of my signature curls? Would everyone look at me in horror? Did I care what anyone thought? No, not really. I was doing this for myself. I had landed a new job, was making my own money and I wanted a treat. I had given up going to a real salon for 4 years. I had stopped pampering myself in this way, partly because of money, but more of a way of self punishment. Self-sacrafice that I thought was necessary to be the unfussy demure woman. All it did was make me feel like shit. I stopped feeling sexy, stylish, and cute. So there I was getting my "hair-did" and I really didn't care how it turned out I was embracing the process and excited for the results.

 Here I am the day of! I couldn't stop smiling. I looked in the mirror and saw someone different....I saw the diva within.

Everything felt new...my clothes, my glasses, my make-up....ME. I felt fresh and free! This was LIBERATING. Who would have thought that getting rid of the curls would feel so damn good!?

It seems now that letting go of the old Annie hairstyle was fitting....it represented letting go of the old Annie too.  These past two years have been tumultuous..a growing time for me. An evolution of me. Now I slowly and tentatively walk into my new self.

Let's see where it leads....

Signed,

Annie

Twitter and Rilke

I've started tweeting. It began for work and now it has become a past-time verging on an addicting activity for me. Though much of it has been fun musings and interactions I have also come across some great information....even inspiring....

One thing I started doing was "following" artist/writers/poets/film makers/musicians. I believe I do this in an effort to surround myself with these people that are compelled to create. I don't fancy myself as any of the above or to be the creative type. I am insecure about my artistic sensibilities. What I do know is that I want to learn about this creative-process. I want to enmesh myself around creativity. I want to see and feel it my bones.

I came across this blog "A Year with Rilke" and this poem. Over the past 2 days I have left it open on my computer and have read it over and over again. It has invaded me. Each time I'm seeing and feeling something new in its words and stanzas. In the darkness of the reality there is such beauty and hope.

Posted from "A Year with Rilke"

Want the change. Be inspired by the flame
where everything shines as it disappears.
The artist, when sketching, loves nothing so much
as the curve of a body as it turns away.

What locks itself in sameness has congealed.
Is it safer to be gray and numb?
What turns hard becomes rigid
and is easily shattered.

Pour yourself out like a fountain.
Flow into the knowledge that what you are seeking
finishes often at the start, and, with ending, begins.

Every happiness is the child of a separation
it did not think it could survive. And Daphne, becoming a laurel,
dares you to become the wind.

Sonnets to Orpheus II, 12


Signed,

 Annie

Living with Women

I read an opinion piece the other day about Lesbian households. The writer argued that Lesbians tend to be happier couples because the distribution of work comes pretty close to even. 


"studies have shown time and time again that no matter how progressive and feminist and smart and supportive a husband is, it’s still very statistically likely that he does less than 50% of household chores, regardless of the division of labor outside the home between he and his wife. But the upshot of that is that most American women have developed a pretty insane skill set as far as balancing demanding jobs out of the home as well as the demanding job of doing all the work inside the home, on top of caring for a family. When both heads of the household are women, that’s a lot of skills being brought to bear."


Truth! Whenever my sister is over or my mother comes to stay things get done. Dishes cleaned, floors get swept, trash taken out, laundry folded and put away, kids dressed, hair combed. It all gets done without a plea having to be sent out or even a word uttered. 


Maybe I am going to start living with women? It's a thought. At least I will be living with someone who comes with some of the same ideas and perspectives on life. For instance she wouldn't walk over toys 100 times and still NEVER put them away. I wouldn't have to have an emotional breakdown every time I become overwhelmed with the burden of caring for the family. Why, because she would be right by my side doing it all with me. 


I do joke here, I am not going to live with women, but it is a thought to be considered, like I stated in the last post.....Why do we allow these men to get away with doing 50% less than us? SERIOUSLY!


Signed,
I wish my husband was a woman,
Annie